


And Then He Woke Up

by SadWatercolorFox



Series: Troubled [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Blood, Bullying, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, First years as third years, Hinata is badass, I'm putting hinata through hell, Kags is a bab, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, Natsu is precious, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Slow Build, So much angst, but i just needed some bad guys, fluff?, hinata is so gay, im sorry, kagehina mostly, kags is in the closet, possible trigger warning, punk!Hinata, so they won't take over the story, there are some OCs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2018-06-07 17:37:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6817447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadWatercolorFox/pseuds/SadWatercolorFox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The view from the top, is a view, I have only ever seen on my own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Old Daydreams Are New Nightmares

“Mommy! Mommy come look, ice cream truck!” A high pitch voice squeals, and Shouyou ceases the tossing of his volleyball to look over to his younger sister in admiration. Her cheeks were flushed pink and her bright orange hair stuck to her forehead with sweat, but she insisted on tugging their mother to the twinkling sound of the ice cream truck. They ran across their short driveway to the ice-cream truck, that stopped in front of their house at the sound of Natsu’s desperate cries. 

 

From the part of the yard where Shouyou stood he could see his mother making a light conversation with the man inside of the truck as he handed Natsu a popsicle. He stood still and watched as Natsu sauntered back to where he was tossing the volleyball to himself. Her lips were already stained blue as she eagerly bit into the blue raspberry popsicle, seconds later complaining about her teeth being cold. His mom trailed behind her, a warm smile lingering on her lips as she gave one of the two popsicles she held to Shouyou. She tousled his orange locks affectionately as he thanked her for the popsicle. 

 

“You know I love you, right?” He nodded confidently as his mother threaded a piece of his hair between her lean fingers. He licked slowly at his popsicle as the two of them walked to their porch, to the rocking chairs. The paint on the chairs was chipping and the wood was rough and would sometimes give him splinters if he was playing too rough with them. The old chairs matched the rest of his house perfectly, and the empty beer bottles and the cigarette ash that littered the rest of the porch blended in so easily he barely realized they were there.

 

“You two are my whole entire world,” Shouyou giggled as she pressed a warm kiss to the crown of his hair, his mother smiling happily down at him.

 

 

Then he woke up.

 


	2. Flowers Cannot Bring Back The Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because they are both fiercely aware.
> 
> Flowers can’t bring back the dead.

Shouyou breaths out a low whistle at the pain in the center of his back. He groans as he slowly gets out of his bed, his head pounding and a thin sheet of sweat clings to him uncomfortably. A sigh escapes him as he stands up and small black dots dance in his vision, he grimaces and continues to walk towards the bathroom until he can see clearly. He has slept a total of five hours in the past week, has hardly eaten, and was in desperate need of a shower. 

 

He strips and turns around in front of the mirror, rolling his eyes half heartedly at the barely purple bruise blossoming on his back. It looked worse than it felt, and it hardly turned his skin another color. Turning on the water he reminisces on the not very fond memories of getting caught a few days earlier. He was _literally_ kicked out of the dollar store after one of the employees saw him shoving chip bags in his baggy sweatshirt. It wasn’t a total loss though, because he left with the chips and Natsu was happy. 

 

The sudden cold water broke him from his spell and he immediately steps out of the shower and wraps himself in a towel. He skips his usual routine and dresses himself in his only pair of sweats and a large sweatshirt.

 

Tiptoeing out of his room to make breakfast, he stops at the sight of Natsu wrapped up in a blanket, on the couch, watching Mulan. Shouyou chuckles quietly, going unnoticed by his younger sister until he goes into the kitchen and unloads the supplies for cereal and toast. She soon perks up at the noise, greeting him with a bright smile and a small “good morning.”

 

Shouyou pressed a kiss to the top of Natsu’s forehead, returning her greeting, and she looks taken back for a moment.

 

“Did mommy do that to you?” He smiles and nods, despite the pit forming in his throat.

 

“Why ask now? I’ve been doing that for years,” he tousles her hair a little before turning back to making their breakfast.

 

“I dreamt of her last night,” she giggles. “We were all having a picnic! Can I help you make breakfast?”

 

“Of course,” he shows her how to use the toaster quickly, then pours himself a small bowl of bland off-brand cereal he found at a corner store. He wishes he had enough money for pancakes, Natsu loves them, but they were barely paying their bills on time even with all the jobs Shouyou did on the side. Shouyou picked up on many of his mother’s traits as he became Natsu’s caretaker, one of them kissing Natsu’s forehead. Another being a decent cook, but he hardly ever had the materials. 

 

They eat breakfast in a comfortable silence, the only sounds interrupting them was the quiet click of their spoons to their bowls, and Mulan. However Shouyou snapped his head away from the movie when he hears a trembling sniff next to him.

 

“Am I a bad daughter if I forget a little bit?” Shouyou coos at his sister, picking her up and placing her on his lap. He whispers reassuring words to her, telling her she was the best daughter and sister, he lovingly pets the top of her head in a hope to calm her down.

 

They stay in that position for a while, until her choppy breaths become even, but her puffy eyes remain trained on their boxy television. Shouyou’s head hovered over his sister’s mop of tangled hair, his hands rested on her knees, steadying her on his lap.

 

“Shou?” At the sound of her shaky voice he hums in response.

 

“Are we really going to be okay?” Shouyou rubs her arm affectionately and turns her on his lap so she is looking at him.

 

“Of course we are,” he pauses and stares at the seven year old with false determination. “We’ve made it this far, haven’t we?” He could have sworn he saw her charcoal eyes sparkle when she smiled and shook her head enthusiastically. _I hope we will. I hope you will._

 

“I’m sorry Shou, I know today isn’t easy for you either,” he dismisses the statement by shaking his head, not knowing what else to say.

 

“Do you want to go out for a little while?” he asks gently, a sad smile lingering on his lips. She doesn’t see it though because she is already scrambling to her pink backpack, hanging on a hook near the front door. Then packing anything she deems necessary. He switches off the television and follows his sister to her room.

 

Shouyou leans against her doorframe, he couldn’t help an amused smile playing on his lips as he watches his sister pack her tiny backpack full. She packed her least favorite stuffed animal out of the three that lied on her bed, a small leather bound notebook, pencils, and finally a large polaroid camera that resided in her brother’s room. He puts on his shoes and tells Natsu to do the same while he looks for her jacket.

 

“Ready?” Natsu gives him a toothy grin as he grabs his keys and his wallet before his sister literally drags him out of their apartment. He bites the inside of his cheek at the small ache in his back, but doesn’t let it show as Natsu pulls him to his motorcycle in the parking lot outside of their apartment. It was mostly black and a little grey due to the need of a paint job. He honestly didn’t know what model it was (except for that it was a Harley Davidson.) He didn’t really care though. An old man living a block away was going to scrap it, even though it was in near perfect condition, so he immediately stopped him, and his neighbor’s friend helped him fix the engine and the clutch. 

 

He follows Natsu down three flights of stairs down to where his motorcycle hid. He unfortunately couldn’t use it as often as he would like because gas was expensive, but he still left a helmet resting on the seat. Which probably wasn’t that great of an idea,but he just hasn’t gotten around to it yet.

 

Gently, Shouyou lifts Natsu up under her armpits and places her on the vehicle, after she gets settled he steps onto it behind her. He feels her slow breathing and quick heartbeat against his chest and smirks lightly. Quickly he pulls her hair back into a high ponytail and ties it with a band that she lent him, then he fastens a large helmet over her head.

 

He sighs happily at the purr of the engine, then laughs when Natsu smacks him, scolding him on wasting time. He is vaguely aware that the sound of his engine isn’t appealing to everyone on a Sunday morning, but he only thought about what they would do for the next few hours. Wind whipped violently at his face and at his ears once they got out of the complex area, he could faintly hear Natsu screaming in happiness in front of him. It was loud, but he always misplaced his earplugs, so he has gotten used to the noise. 

 

The route he took was familiar enough, it wasn’t like he went often, but he knew it well. There was no traffic, though that was mostly because he took so many smaller roads and dirt paths to get to their destination. They were only a few blocks away when Shouyou spots a florist and a convenient store clustered with a few other random shops, he pulls into the lot and parks in the farthest spot away from the other cars. Shouyou picks up Natsu from his motorcycle, he removes the oversized helmet from her head and they walk hand-in-hand towards the convenient store. 

 

“Pick out some snacks that will last you a while, I’ll get us some pocky,” Shouyou pecks her forehead before looking around, barely looking for pocky and more trying to find cheap food or something small enough to tuck in his clothes. They weren't poor per say, but saying they lived paycheck-to-paycheck was an understatement. It was rare for him to have anymore than pocket change in his wallet, but he got more than he expected from his one of his recent jobs, and he wanted to treat Natsu. Even if only a little bit.

 

Not even ten minutes later they meet each other in the candy isle, in their arms they carry only two items each. Shouyou pays quickly, trying to shove their packaged food into Natsu’s tattered pink backpack. Whilst Shouyou was half occupied with that, Natsu walks ahead of him towards the florist. Before they enter Shouyou slings her, now slightly heavier, backpack over her shoulders.

 

“Welcome! How can I help you?” A cheery voice chimes as the siblings enter the small florist. Shouyou gives the cute blonde a warm smile, ushering Natsu to look at the flowers.

 

“What are your cheapest flowers,” he pauses to look at her name tag to give her an endearing smile. “Hitoka.” Obviously sightly embarrassed she doesn't meet his eyes but instead walks out from behind the counter to show him to the tulips.

 

“They will be on sale for a few weeks because they are in bloom right now,” she pushes back her short bangs then motions to Natsu who is infatuated with the bouquets. “Is that your sister, she is so cute.”

 

Shouyou chuckles and watches his sister with admiration, she could find happiness in the littlest of things, “Yeah, and we will take five of the single yellow tulips.” Hitoka nods and plucks the five best looking flowers from the bundle and brings them to the counter, Shouyou trailing behind her. From the corner of his eye he can see his sister take a polaroid of a particularly pretty display, then shaking the printed picture. 

 

“Who are these for? I mean- I don't mean to pry,” Shouyou cuts off her slightly nervous bumbling with a laugh.

 

“Our mother,” he does his best not to look sad as he pulls out his wallet. Natsu bounds over to them, pulling on Shouyou’s sleeve so he would lean down to her height.

 

“Lets not get any of the bouquets, they’re really expensive,” she whispers, but Hitoka was still in close enough proximity to where she could hear what Natsu said. Hitoka giggles, pulling a small purple flower out of the nearest display then squatting down so she could tuck it behind Natsu’s ear. Shouyou watches as his sister’s eyes get big in fascination, making sure to keep her head still as if not to crush the flower. He pays the amount due and picks one of the five tulips and hands it to her.

 

“I believe yellow tulips represent sunshine and happiness, and you seem like a lovely person so here,” she hesitantly accepts the flower, her cheeks ablaze.

 

“I don't like boys- I have a girlfriend-uh I mean I'm gay,” he snorts, watching as her entire face goes red as she fiddles with the stem of the tulip.

 

“I didn’t mean it in a romantic way, you just looked like you needed a little happiness today,” she purses her lips and squeaks out an embarrassed ‘thank you.’ 

 

“Besides,” he sends her a cheeky wink. “I don’t like girls.” He inwardly laughs at her stilled expression, as she begins stuttering out apologies about judging people based on looks. He grasps Natsu’s small hand as he opens the glass door yelling out a ‘farewell’ to the nearly empty shop.

 

“Y’know for such a intimidating looking person you have the most sunshiny personality,” she yells back waving the flower in her hand to emphasize her point.

 

“Its the piercings isn't it?” He laughs boisterously until he feels Natsu tugging his sleeve towards his motorcycle. He gets himself and Natsu situated quickly, careful not to crush the bright flowers clutched in his hand, but anxious to leave. 

 

He can feel his heart thundering in his chest and his lungs feel like they’re caught in his throat when he makes the final turn. He can barely feel the sting of wind on his cheeks when they arrive at the sight. Biting his lip softly his teeth trail over his lip piercing, he tries focusing on the barely noticeable ache in his back, but the clenching feeling in his chest hurts so much more. He looks at his sister’s solemn expression and he realizes his face is probably even worse. And he doesn’t even try to smile, his mood is too sour. He however does hand Natsu two of the four bright tulips before swinging open the barbed gate.

 

Natsu sits on his shoulders as he avoids obstacles, his hands rested on her knees so she wouldn’t fall, but his focus soon turns to the words in front of him. He swallows thickly as he lifts her down, they both don't cry as they each place two tulips six feet above their mother.

 

 

Because they are both fiercely aware.

 

Flowers can’t bring back the dead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I hope you enjoy this chapter :D I know it's not amazing, but hopefully they will get better.


	3. The Eventual Death Of A Conformist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because he was so close Shouyou could see his stunning dark blue eyes, he wondered if he would be able to tell they were so pretty and blue if he was far away.  
> “It looks like you’ve fallen for me.”

From a distance his long strides made him seem like he was sure of himself, and his quirky personality only made him seem more prideful, almost like a king. The man that waltzed into Sugawara’s apartment was most likely humble, although Shouyou couldn’t be sure, it was just intuition. The saying " _the way one walks can hold more secrets then you may think"_ echoed in his head when he analyzed him from afar.

 

He was pretty in a way a model would be, from where Shouyou sat on the couch he couldn’t see any noticeable flaws on his face, and he had the ideal body type. Though the aura he held around him might be confident, Shouyou doubted that he was, despite his perfect appearance.

 

The man who’s name he didn’t know, didn’t hold eye contact with him for long, and he sauntered from into Sugawara’s room. Shouyou could faintly make out an airy and light conversation.

 

“Shouyou how could you let this thief into my home?” Sugawara’s warm voice filled the apartment and he could hear laughs from both of them as they walked into the kitchen.

 

“He doesn’t look like he would kill anyone,” Shouyou calls back softly, with a shrug of his shoulders, even though neither of them could see him. Natsu shuffles on her spot on the couch, looking at the man with wide mystified eyes as he and Sugawara approach them on the couch.

 

“You’d be surprised,” his lips turn upwards into a handsome, mischievous smile.

 

“You couldn’t be one,” Natsu stops herself to give the man a blinding smile. “You’re too pretty.” Shouyou’s breath gets caught in his throat and he elbows his sister gently. He whispers for her not to judge people based on appearances, even though he clearly had been only seconds before.

 

“I’m Oikawa Tooru, I apologize for not introducing myself earlier,” Oikawa lifts his hand up to shake with Natsu, who looks confused for a mere second before eagerly shaking hands with him. Shouyou bites back a smile, his sister is too wonderful for this world. Oikawa seemed to notice that too.  They don’t ask what Natsu meant, and Shouyou is grateful they don’t because he wasn’t too keen on explaining her sudden statement. 

 

He watches as Oikawa puts a hand over his heart and makes a small ‘awe’ sound before getting into a light conversation with her. He was mostly asking her basic questions, like ‘what is your favorite color’ (she responded with ‘all of them’.) Natsu was really good at making people feel comfortable, and small talk was second nature to her. He was pretty sure they have been talking about aliens for at least ten minutes now, but he couldn’t be sure. Sugawara was pulled into the conversation and he tried to pay attention, but he couldn't help tuning them out. He was pretty sure Oikawa asked him a question,  because the room became uncomfortably silent and two other heads looked at him expectantly. He politely asked him to repeat the question and he shifted in his seat when Oikawa’s eyes bore into his own.

 

“Why are you guys at Koushi’s anyways?” It took him a second to remember Sugawara’s first name was Koushi. He knew the question was coming, but that didn’t mean he was necessarily prepared for it. 

 

A voice in his head told him that he hadn’t responded and he had been staring blankly at Oikawa for a full minute, but his head was foggy and unresponsive. Sugawara was trying to calm down the visibly panicky Oikawa until Shouyou spoke up quietly, breaking himself from his thoughts.

 

“Let’s just say we weren’t in a good place and he took us in.” Shouyou turns his head to give Sugawara an appreciative smile to which he returns with a much wider, brighter one.

 

As the trio return to their light conversation Shouyou is suddenly aware Sugawara and Oikawa are both ridiculously gorgeous. Objectively speaking Oikawa was a little more handsome than Sugawara, but Sugawara had a warmer, prettier look. Shouyou watched Natsu divert their attention onto her, talking enthusiastically about something that needed expressive hand movements. Sugawara and Oikawa both listened like their lives depended on it, but Shouyou’s mind was elsewhere. Again.

 

He only started to pay attention after a few minutes of her rambling when she nearly yelled, “It’s like he can fly!” When they all turned their heads to look at him he could faintly feel his ears begin to heat up. He instantly knows what she was talking about.

 

“I’m really not that good Natsu,” Shouyou nervously ruffles her hair, feeling the heat spread to his cheeks. He shrinks when she glares at him.

 

“Don’t doubt yourself Shou!” Shouyou watches his sister make a spiking motion with her hand and she returns to talking proudly about her brother. Though Sugawara and Oikawa were listening to her, their attention was on Shouyou.

 

“Koushi and I were both fantastic setters for our own teams,” Oikawa says when Natsu is done bragging, he looks over to Sugawara, who nodded in agreement. “There is a small volleyball net in the back of the apartment complex. You should let us toss for you.” Oikawa flexed his fingers and Shouyou looked down to his almost boney hands, comparing their’s to his.

 

“I haven’t played in a while, I don’t want you to get excited for no reason.” He finally says as a last resort, his tone borderline pleading, but his gaze still fixated on his calloused fingertips. He could feel soreness in his limbs and an ache in his eyes as he stood up next to everyone. Shouyou hadn’t planned on moving far from the spot on the couch he had been previously sitting. While he was allowed to stay in Sugawara’s house he doesn’t plan on sleeping. He hadn’t slept last night, nor had he the day before. And he doesn’t plan to until he’s sure he is safe, with nobody but his sister. But when Sugawara gets him some coffee he knew he wouldn't get out of it.

 

**_…_ **

 

Shouyou sighs and plays with the waistband of the sweats Sugawara lent him. They were a little loose on his hips even when he pulled the drawstring tight. He felt like a child dressing up in their parent’s clothing, even though Sugawara assured him that they were big on him too. He was pretty sure he was just saying that to make him feel better. Using them would be easier than playing in the skinny jeans that Shouyou had, so he didn’t complain.

 

He hadn't even done anything except for walk to the small volleyball court, but his limbs were still burning from days prior. Natsu and Oikawa were setting up the net while Sugawara tossed the ball to himself. After stretching properly, Shouyou unhooked his lip piercing, and tucked it deep into his pocket and got into position.

 

“Ready?” Sugawara asked him with a gentle smile. Standing on a court even as small as this one seemed almost foreign to him, like all of his past volleyball experiences were just a dream. He nodded nonetheless and focused on the articulation of Sugawara’s fingers as the ball rolled off the tips and into the air. He pushed off with his back leg, ignoring the soreness as he leapt into the air. Shouyou could feel his hair flying around his head as he swung his arm back and slammed the ball into the out zone. He fell onto the ground with alarming speed, the feeling of weightlessness dissolving around him when his feet touched the ground.

 

“Sorry, I haven't touched a volleyball in a little over a month,” Shouyou scratched the back of his neck timidly and lifted his head to see their expressions. To say they looked astonished or bewildered would be an understatement. Sugawara’s jaw was slack and his eyes were wide in wonder. And Oikawa’s smirk dropped and he looked almost, furious. Natsu on the other hand was bouncing on her toes, looking at their faces with pride, small hands on her hips.

 

“Don’t mind,” Sugawara breathed out, regaining his composure.

 

“Incredible,” a tight lipped smile made its way onto Oikawa’s face, but it quickly turned into a full-blown grin. “I wish I could have faced you a few years ago.”

 

“You should have come to Karasuno,” Sugawara says eventually, tapping his pointer finger to his chin. “I think you and our current setter might have been a good pair.” Shouyou watches as Sugawara’s face suddenly brightens.

 

“Would you consider going to Karasuno for your last year? It’s a good school, even if you don’t end up playing volleyball,” he says quickly. “You would have to take an entrance exam, but I can ask the dean if he would let you take the exam a few weeks before school starts.”

 

Shouyou hesitates and breaths out a long sigh, “I planned to for my first year. After seeing the small giant play, because back then I was a lot shorter and crazy about volleyball. Up until I was sixteen…” he trails off, looking anywhere except for Sugawara’s eyes. His nose, his forehead, or the pretty beauty mark under his left eye.

 

“Why didn't you?”

 

“Plans change,” Shouyou stated bluntly, leaving no room for discussion. Though he looked like he wanted to ask him more, Natsu beat him to it.

 

“That was awesome Shou! You were like Gwahh, and- and- it was so cool!” She leapt into his arms continuing to make sound affects. He could feel all the pain in his limbs a lot more obviously, but tried not to let it show as Oikawa was sizing him up an arms length away.

 

Even after all the begging from Natsu and Sugawara, and whining from Oikawa, Shouyou refused to play anymore. And despite the terrible ache in his limbs he still carried Natsu on his hip back to Sugawara’s apartment. He tried not to fade out of the conversation the three of them were having, but to no avail. Karasuno once again was on his mind and he couldn’t believe he was even considering going. He had really wanted to go in Junior High, but he had to stay in Osaka, not that he particularly wanted to.

 

“So would you consider going to Karasuno?” Sugawara’s calming voice broke him from his callous thoughts.

 

“I’m not sure,” Sugawara pursed his lips, he seemed motherly in a way and Shouyou turned his head so he would show any signs of wanting to laugh. 

 

They walk in a silence Shouyou becomes accustomed to, he focuses the sound of their shoes trudging against the gravel, but also on the small noises around them. After a few minutes of walking they finally arrive back at Sugawara’s apartment, and Oikawa and Sugawara were both exchanging knowing looks, as if they could speak to each other telepathically. They both weren't trying to hide the fact that they were mouthing things to each other.

 

“Shouyou,” Oikawa calls, turning away from Sugawara to look at him. He puts down Natsu, who runs over to Sugawara. He blinks at Oikawa to show he is listening, but he watches Natsu talk to Sugawara out of the corner of his eye.

 

“You’ll regret it later if you don’t finish high school. I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I know Karasuno will be the best option for you,” he sighs and runs a hand through his perfect chestnut curls. “And you have a lot of talent you’d be wasting if you didn't play on their team. Sugawara talked about my kouhai earlier, he is a genius setter. And I think if both of your abilities were to be combined, you would be formidable.” Shouyou ignores the part about volleyball and weighs his options, he could probably work a few jobs to pay for an apartment in this complex.

 

Oikawa looked at him as if he could see the gears turning in his head, “Where are your parents?” There was a hint of concern in his voice, like he was saying ‘you can tell us’ without directly doing so. Natsu’s head snapped over to look at him, stopping any conversation she had with Sugawara. There was an unspoken agreement between them when they made eye contact, she would go along with anything he said.

 

“They live in this prefecture,” he was only half lying. “They were thinking about moving to this area actually, I’ll tell them I think I found the complex and school I will be going to.” From across the room where Natsu and Sugawara sat there was a small sound of happiness that erupted from the ash-blonde male.

 

“I was hoping you would say that, I’d love to meet your parents to discuss it.” They didn’t see Natsu flinch, but Shouyou had a perceptive eye and he sent her a reassuring smile.

 

“They are both constantly busy with work so I’ll explain explain it to them later if you just tell me any your plans now,” Sugawara’s smile barely falters and Shouyou was glad that he didn’t try to pry into his family life. He didn’t even question until days later why he stayed at his apartment so long without his parent’s permission.

 

An obnoxious beeping sound stops Sugawara from any plans he was about to share. Shouyou’s hand slams down on the floral alarm clock Oikawa bought him. He rubs the sleep from his eyes, groaning when he realizes it was his first day of school.

 

He debates staying in bed before he hears a soft knock at his door, his vivid dream not yet escaping his mind as he drags his feet to answer the front door. Vivid memories taking place of dreams was a normal experience for Shouyou, it was something he had eventually gotten used to a few years ago. They usually occurred around three times a week and were often triggered by thinking excessively about something the previous day. It wasn’t lucid dreaming because he wasn’t conscious during his dreams, rather it was like he relived past experiences. 

 

“Good morning Shouyou!” Suga greets him with a smile and a plate of pancakes when he opens the door. “I made too many and I thought you guys might want some for your first day back,” Shouyou couldn’t help the excited nod even at his disheveled state. He calls Natsu out of her room and offers Suga tea, which he politely accepts. He busies himself in the kitchen, preparing Natsu’s bento box. The siblings get ready quickly, thanking Suga, and rushing out the door so they aren't late.

 

Both of their schools are relatively close, so walking to school was an option, especially on a day like today because they woke up at a decent time. Shouyou twists the two cartilage piercings near the top of his left ear, making sure they are in correctly before he takes his sister’s clammy palm in his own.

 

“You look fine, Shou,” Natsu states honestly and Shouyou ruffles her hair.

“Are you excited?” She nods her head and tells him that she's a little nervous, but mostly excited to make new friends. Shouyou tells her that nobody in the world could dislike her, and if they did they were defiantly insane. He presses a wet kiss to her forehead and she wipes it off with a squeal in fake disgust.

 

“Love you!” He calls, already running toward his school once he drops her off at the entrance. She luckily doesn’t mind being early, because he knows he wouldn’t feel safe if she walked to school by herself, even if it was only a few blocks away. He doesn’t wait for her response, knowing he is close to being late already. 

 

He sprints full speed towards a tall wooden fence that blocks the school from outsiders, he pushes off the ground and clumsily jumps over it. Though because he didn’t use his hands to support himself and only relied on his jump he ends up crashing to the ground on the other side of the fence. Not only that, but he trips someone standing in close proximity, bringing them down with him in the midst of the crash. He’s glad he doesn’t land on top of them though, instead just tripping and rolling on top of them. He runs his teeth over his black lip piercing, his vision not clear yet, but he tries stuttering out an apology. There is chatter buzzing around him, asking if they were okay. He stops his attempt at an apology when he sees the male’s face below him.

 

He was _really_ good looking, and he might have been even more attractive if not for the permanent scowl residing on his features. His ebony hair hung in front of his face, just past his eyebrows. Because he was so close Shouyou could see his stunning dark blue eyes, he wondered if he would be able to tell they were so pretty and blue if he was far away.

 

“It looks like you’ve fallen for me,” Shouyou blurts to the stranger, even though it doesn’t make much sense, because he tripped him. He however laughs when the stranger’s expression turns even more sour and he scoffs.

 

“You’re the one who fell, dumbass,” he mumbles, turning his head so Shouyou cant see his face, or his eyes clearly. “Get off of me.” Shouyou is suddenly very aware that he has been pinning him down and he scrambles to get off of the the stranger. They both stand up, brushing grass and dirt off their pants awkwardly, clearly neither of them quite knowing what to say. Shouyou assures a group of girls that they are fine, flashing them a charming smile.

 

“Uh, you should join the volleyball club. You’re jumping ability is good,” he struggles to compliment him, and Shouyou resists the urge to laugh. “I’m Kageyama by the way.”

 

“Thank you Kageyama, but I’m not really into volleyball anymore.” Kageyama’s flustered face gives him the courage to send him a flirty wink before blindly running towards the open doors of Karasuno. He hears a quiet “anymore?” behind him, like he couldn’t believe somebody would stop playing volleyball. Despite this he doesn’t look back.

 

_Fuck, this is going to be a long year._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At first I didn't really like flashbacks because I thought it was a bad way of writing stories, but it'll be explained in future chapters why I'm doing it like this ;;))) And any feedback is much appreciated!!


	4. Self Mutilated Wings Cannot Fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama didn’t know who the vibrant spiker was. His first impression of him was that he was unreadable, unpredictable, and kind of unbearable. But other than that, Kageyama didn’t know him in the slightest, he didn’t even know his name. The only thing he was absolutely sure about him was, despite being a cheeky little shit, he has the saddest eyes he’s ever seen.

Shouyou wasn't naturally a smart person, he knew that well. Like most things he did, he congenitally wasn’t good at school. The teachers expected everyone in the class to know the material taught last year, and sometimes the subject was an entire new concept to him. He cursed Suga for all the hard work he put into getting him to go to this school. And he cursed himself for not knowing the material.

 

It was only the first day of school, so it wasn’t like he had to worry about work, but just the sound of the curriculum he was supposed to be learning this year caused his eyes to flicker towards the clock in anticipation.

 

He locks his fingers together and rests his head on top of his clasped hands, and his knee bounces silently under his desk, so not to disturb his classmates. The teacher’s voice chirped on about something, but he found himself looking out the window through most of the class period. Though he wasn’t looking at anything in particular outside, he was positive that it was more interesting than whatever the teacher had to say.

 

Unconsciously he bit the skin around his nails, he forces his hand away from his mouth when he looks at the time and is already halfway out of his seat before his teacher dismisses the class for lunch. He wouldn’t have enough money for lunch for himself this week, but Suga mentioned there being a roof accessible to the students during lunch. He figured less people would bother him about his nonexistent lunch if he excluded himself there. Small talk with strangers was fairly easy, because he was such an outgoing person. But that didn't mean he was going to sit around in the classroom without a lunch so he could make a friend. 

 

When he arrived on the roof there were already several other students eating lunch in small groups. He scanned the students and saw a familiar blonde florist talking amongst three other males. One of them being the blue eyed boy he tripped a few hours ago. He debated introducing himself to her again, but opted on sitting by himself. His forearms rested on the railing, keeping him from falling from the building. He could feel eyes on him, but his gaze was trained on the view beyond the school’s courtyard and pretended like they weren’t there. There was little noise behind him, so his thoughts took priority over his mind.

 

“Sunshine boy?” A hesitant voice broke him from his aimless thoughts. He realized he was leaning over the edge of the railing, but he didn’t make any move to initiate that he heard her. He heard the light footsteps behind him so he didn't flinch when he felt a light tap on his shoulder. Though he squeezed his eyes shut quickly, forcing himself to turn away from the view to look at her with a face splitting grin.

 

“Gay florist!” He heard a snicker from the group of boys she split off from, and her face flushed red. “Good to see you again! I didn’t know you went to this school,” being loud to him was supposed to feel natural, he couldn’t help but he feel like it was forced.

 

“Yeah I didn’t know you went to this school either, you must be new here, right?” He nodded, he could feel all of her friend’s eyes on him again.

 

“My neighbor, he was the vice-captain of the volleyball team two years ago, forced me to go,” the fondness in his voice shone through his words easily and Hitoka smiled brightly at this.

 

“Sugawara-sempai is your neighbor?” Shouyou nodded at this, he was going to say something else when he noticed the freckled boy’s jacket. It was the same one Suga had, so that meant they were all most likely on the volleyball team. That also combining with the fact that Kageyama tried to recruit him a few hours ago.

 

_“And you have a lot of talent you’d be wasting if you didn't play on their team. Sugawara talked about my kouhai earlier, he is a genius setter. And I think if both of your abilities were to be combined, you would be formidable.”_

 

“Yeah, I actually planned to go to Karasuno for my first year, for volleyball,” Shouyou tries for a small smile, pushing back any memories of his neighbors encouraging him to join the volleyball team. 

 

“Why didn't you then?” Hitoka asks hesitantly, probably searching his eyes for an answer as she was getting closer to his face.

 

“Plans change.” He gets a sense of Déjà vu and turns away from her coffee colored eyes, pressing his back closer to the railing. If he pressed against the metal railing hard enough he could feel a dull pain in his faded bruise. He pressed as hard as he could.

 

“Why don’t you join the team now?” A smooth voice asks a few meters away, Shouyou already knows who it is before he turns to look into their dark eyes.

 

“I already told you earlier, I’m not into volleyball anymore,” there was no menace in his voice, but he couldn't help but feel like he sounded a little harsh. He didn’t hate volleyball necessarily, but eventually it became more of an annoying chore and-

 

He didn’t even noticed the freckled faced boy stand up and offer his hand until he heard, “Hi I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi, we would never force you into volleyball, but I think you should check us out after school.” Shouyou couldn’t be certain, but he seemed the most likely to be captain out of the three boys. He was easily the most approachable, he had a built up confident aura and a kind smile. If there were anymore third years on the team Shouyou doubted they would be better fitted for captain than Yamaguchi.

 

“Maybe I will,” He said quickly as he spun on his heel, avoiding their eyes because he knew they were all focused on his retreating form.

 

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, the meeting with the volleyball club still lingering on his mind as he kept his eyes trained on the window. He knew Oikawa and Suga would be pissed if he didn’t at least check out the volleyball team, he heard stories about their old teams, but it was more likely than not that he wouldn’t meet the rest of the old third and second years. As they were probably studying in university. Not that he really cared.

 

He could barely comprehend what he was doing as he walked toward what he thought was the volleyball court. Fortunately for him he was proven right when a volleyball flew out of the double doors and landed near his feet. He handed it to a second year who scurried out of the gym nervously, the boy’s eyes flickered with appreciation, but he didn’t say anything when he rushed back into the gym with his eyes trained to the ground. 

 

Shouyou followed behind him at a much slower pace, he stayed close to the door as he watched Hitoka approach the second year gently. He unconsciously looked for the ebony haired player and made eye contact with the straight faced, tall blonde. But not for long, as next to him he saw Kageyama jump and set a volleyball into the air and land on top of a water bottle strategically placed on the ground on the opposite side of the court. Interest flashed in his own eyes and he knew it, but before anyone could decipher that he was there, he left the gym.

 

 

“How did your first day of school go?” Shouyou asked, holding on to Natsu’s ankles tighter when she shifted on his shoulders. She leapt into a conversation about school immediately, telling him from start to finish about her day. Natsu tells him a lot about a girl she met that shared some of her lunch with her because she didn't have a lot, and Shouyou automatically grew to like the girl his sister described. 

 

“What about your day Shou?” He hesitates, his day wasn’t half as eventful as his sister’s.

 

“Do you remember the pretty girl at the florist?” When she responds with a tentative ‘yes’ he continues.

 

“Well it turns out she goes to Karasuno, I saw her at lunch today. Maybe if we grow close enough you guys can play together,” Natsu bounces on his shoulders in excitement and he laughs at her. 

 

“You need a girl-friend around, Kenma lives too far away for me to braid his hair all the time,” She makes sure to separate ‘girl’ and ‘friend.’ Shouyou can practically hear the pout on her face.

 

“I think he is coming down with his old team for a joint-practice in a few weeks,” Shouyou doesn’t have a phone, but one of Kenma’s old team mates, Lev, comes down every weekend to visit his boyfriend at university. Lev sometimes will make random visits at his apartment and will update him on his life, but its mostly about Yaku and Kenma. He’s gotten used to the tall boy showing up at his apartment, usually he was warned with a bang because he often hits his head on the doorway. After Lev found out Kenma had another friend, other than Kuroo, he immediately found Shouyou. And he doesn’t really mind Lev’s company because he entertained Natsu. 

 

Conversations with Natsu really makes time pass quickly, so Shouyou is always eager to get her talking. At the moment she is talking about the flower shop Hitoka works at, telling him she wants to go every weekend to spice their house up with flowers because she might give us a discount. He doesn’t have the heart to tell her he can’t even eat full meals everyday, so he just listens politely, occasionally adding on with his limited flower knowledge. 

 

When you live on your own you start to look at all the things you took for granted in a new air. Shouyou was never really a privileged kid, so he was never able to take food, plumbing, or a roof over his head for granted. But simple things, like the laundry being done, injuries taken care of, or Natsu being occupied, he used to take lightly. He wished he thanked his mom more for all the laundry she’s had to deal with. Because he _hates_ doing laundry. Especially because he has to bring all of their laundry to a laundromat, which wasn’t fun.

 

He didn’t like asking for help. He’s never had to ask for much help before, but Oikawa literally begs for him let him help Shouyou. Oikawa is a very nosy person, he’ll ask as many questions about his parents as he can think of that day, sometimes even repeating questions he’s asked in the past. But Natsu _adores_ him. And Oikawa adores her. 

 

So Shouyou doesn’t really have to ask for help, because Oikawa is already in their apartment an hour after they arrive at home. Somehow he knows that Shouyou wouldn’t go upstairs and ask for him to watch Natsu, and somehow he knows he needs him to watch her. He doesn’t know why, but he’s thankful. Although he’s pretty sure Natsu asked him to come over yesterday, because she is putting hair ties in his hair like this meeting was planned and he brought their favorite movie.

 

‘It’s partly a pride thing,’ he thinks, pulling clothes out of the dryer and loading them quickly into a large bag. His apartment complex is a mile away from the laundromat, which isn’t far, but with a heavy duffle bag slung over his shoulder it felt farther. 

 

Living on your own, it wasn’t easy. Not even Natsu knew all the struggles he faced right in front of her, but even she has had it harder than most people will ever have it. Some people will never know the struggles a seven year old girl could ever possibly go through, especially one so kind and loving.

 

“I’m home,” Shouyou announced as he slung the heavy bag off his shoulder and onto the hardwood. He kneads the knot out of his shoulders and kicks the bag across the floor, until it reaches his sister’s room. He goes to open her drawer and hears rustling under her bed. He gets into a pushup position to look under the bed and he sees Natsu squirming and giggling. 

 

“Where are you Natsu?” A loud shout echoes through their apartment and he sits up when she puts a finger to her lips, and he returns to putting away the poorly folded laundry. Oikawa’s head pops in the doorway, and Shouyou chuckles at the sight of his face. Under his eyes was a thick line of eyeliner Natsu most likely stole from his room, and there were fat stickers on both of his cheeks.

 

“Oh hey Shou-chan, have you seen your sister? We’re playing hide-and-seek,” Shouyou’s skin crawls at the nickname, but tells him he hasn’t seen her, discreetly points to the bed pushed to the corner of the room. Shouyou eventually joins the game after they pester him, and they play until Natsu is bored and hungry.

 

Oikawa orders them a pizza after asking Shouyou what the last thing he ate was, when he tells him ‘pancakes Suga brought over,’ he scolds him profusely. Then hastily dials delivery, even after Shouyou tells him he can’t pay him back any time soon. 

 

Oikawa was like a half-opened book, you could read him, but not without difficultly. Though nevertheless Oikawa really liked complaining, wether it was about not being able to see his good friend anymore, complicated feelings about the same friend, or wanting Shouyou to play volleyball, he really liked to complain. While they ate pizza around the television Oikawa told him that he hated watching him waste away his talent. Shouyou knew there was a lot of meaning, passion, and probably personal experience behind this statement. He told him that he’ll think about it, and that satisfied Oikawa for the night.

 

That night Shouyou dreamt of volleyball and murky blue eyes.

 

 

Shouyou woke up and rubbed sleep from his eyes, he turned to look at his alarm clock only to see he was nearly late and the alarm was turned off. He notices a sticky note on top of the alarm, _You looked like you needed a little more sleep :) -Oikawa_. Curses slipped from his lips, wondering how he hadn’t noticed that before as he quickly hurried around the house. He packed his sister’s lunch and laid a small breakfast for her out on the counter. He buttoned up his shirt and got his sister ready, nearly heading out the door without his shoes. 

 

He and his sister hop on his motorcycle and speed towards the school, he isn’t really sure if he is allowed to ride it to school, but thought now was the best time to find out. If he had enough money he would ride his bike to school everyday, but the only reason he was riding it today was because Oikawa filled up his tank. Natsu admitted that she loved riding with him so he would bring her along whenever he could, the look on her face always made it ten times better. He flashed her classmates a large smile when they ogled at his bike, looks of jealously on several of her classmates faces when he dropped her off. Though it still needed a paint job, it wasn’t extremely obvious at a first glance, and he could hear a ‘So cool Natsu-chan!’ a little while away when she stepped off of the bike. He leant over and kissed her forehead after popping off her helmet and strapping it onto himself, waving goodbye to her and a small group of students.

 

When he rode by himself he was less afraid of going fast, but he still kept himself at a steady pace because he literally couldn’t afford getting injured. Though going at this speed got him to school much faster, even if it was more than a little dangerous. However he was at school before the late bell rung, so he wasn’t complaining.

 

He unclipped his helmet and shook his hair, running his fingers through it so it wasn’t stuck to his head as much. Straightening up, he meets the eyes of several students after pushing the kickstand up, through the thin crowd he meets wide blue eyes and a wavering frown. A few people compliment his ride, but his only concern was the stoic boy with blue eyes that ducked out of his sight. He could have sworn his cheeks were flushed, and the only thing that kept him from running after him to get a look at his face was the bell.

 

 

Shouyou rapped his knuckled rhythmically on his desk, humming a pop song Oikawa liked as class neared to an end. Natsu was staying at school an extra hour to check out the art program her school offered so Shouyou planned to stay at school for a while longer. He hadn’t eaten all day, but he could hardly feel his empty stomach because his nerves were kicking in. His eyes dart towards the clock every other minute and he clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth when there is only two minutes left of class and his teacher decides to stop teaching. When the bell does ring he is out of the class room before anyone can even stand up.

 

 

From where he stood he could see every player in the gym, but he doubted anybody could see him, most importantly he could see Kageyama tossing to himself. The tall blonde haired boy teased him about practicing the “king’s toss,” but he wasn’t sure if he heard correctly because he could only hear a few pieces of their conversation from the corner of the gym. The only person that might be aware of his presence was Hitoka, because she seemed to purposely block him from anybody else seeing him. But she didn’t acknowledge him, so he wasn't sure.

 

He was just planning to silently watch their team practice until he had to pick up Natsu. But Kageyama looked stressed, and maybe a little constipated, and Shouyou knew he could hit his tosses.

 

Kageyama seemed to ignore the blonde as he sets up a few plastic water bottles around him, an equal distance between each one. He is quick to toss the ball into the air, and with perfect precision the ball lands onto the bottle closest to him, knocking it over. He continues the action of rolling the ball off his fingertips and into the air with complete control and almost scary accuracy. Shouyou would be lying if he said he wasn’t memorized by the setter’s precise and fluid movements. He gets lost in the pattern that Kageyama knocks down the bottles in, he watches him get another ball before deciding what he was going to do. 

 

There was about a ninety percent chance this wouldn’t work, it was stupid, and a little egotistical, but there was no turning back when he stepped out of the dark corner of the gym and started into a sprint. Kageyama was mid-set and although there must have been numerous flaws in Shouyou’s plan, his timing was perfect. (The main flaw being what he was going to do afterwards.) Adrenaline courses through him once he jumps after the toss, but he feels weightless and euphoric. Not that he’d admit that to anyone.

 

He slams the ball onto the opposite side of the court, and he’s hardly aware of all the eyes on him in his moment of ecstasy. His lack of practice is unable to be detected until he falls from his high and barely lands on his feet. He can feel the memorizing sting of his palm more clearly now that he stands on the ground, its pleasant in a way he doesn’t understand. Though he is pulled back into reality with an impressed whistle behind him. He whips his head around to meet Kageyama’s eyes and he can just register a few mumbled words before he is running away.

 

“Who are you?”

 

‘Truthfully I don’t really know who I am,’ he thought as he focused on the minimal amount of pain arising on his cheeks because of the harsh wind whipping at his face. But he did know he couldn't play volleyball, or be with Kageyama in any aspect. 

 

Because self mutilated wings can’t fly.

 

* * *

 

Kageyama didn’t know who the vibrant spiker was. His first impression of him was that he was unreadable, unpredictable, and kind of unbearable. But other than that, Kageyama didn’t know him in the slightest, he didn’t even know his name. The only thing he was absolutely sure about him was, despite being a cheeky little shit, he has the saddest eyes he’s ever seen.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took so long, I'm so sorry!!! I just wasn't really happy with how this turned out for a long time :///  
> Feedback is appreciated! 
> 
> EDIT: I fixed some mistakes in the other chapters, honestly I've had the entire story planned out since I came up with it, but actually writing it is so time consuming :(((


	5. Nuisance Of Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s going to be okay, I don’t think these people are like your old team,” she smiles and turns toward the entrance, running inside blithely like she didn’t say anything worth remembering.
> 
> Shouyou watches her disappear into the gym with the acute awareness that things are changing.

Shouyou chews on the inside of his cheek once he turns the last corner, his knees shudder nervously against his bike when he gets into view of his school. His hands are cold and clammy, the wind against his face is relentless as he steers forward. He tries to focus on these things, but his eyes refuse to peal away from students walking into school.

Sakura petals that litter the street scatter when he swerves into the entrance. He is quick to park and situate himself. But before he can check if the coast is clear somebody lightly taps his shoulder. Shouyou braces himself only to see Hitoka, smiling up at him with her hands clasped tightly together out in front of her.

“Hello, I don't think I’ve formally introduced myself! I’m Yachi Hitoka, the manager of the volleyball team. And we really want you to join the team!” Hitoka bows at the waist, and Shouyou freezes. He is about to tell her that he isn’t interested when a voice calls out a few parking spaces away.

“Yachi!” Shouyou stiffens at the voice, but Hitoka perks up and bounces on her toes, waving expressively to the owner of the voice.

“Hey Kageyama! I was just try to recruit-” she stops talking and looks petrified for a moment, she eyes Shouyou warily and speaks in a small voice. “I don’t even know your name. I’m so sorry!” Shouyou cuts her off with a toothy smile and a loud laugh. By the time he is done laughing Kageyama is standing next to Hitoka.

“I never told you my name, its Hinata Shouyou. Though I would prefer you to just call me Shouyou.”

“Okay, well Hinata,” Shouyou purses his lips, but Kageyama continued. “The volleyball team would really appreciate it if you joined,” he finished with his hands on his hips. Shouyou wants to scoff at his arrogance, he acted like he was offering him an unrefusable deal or something.

Students flood into school as the bell rings and Shouyou nearly sighs with relief.

“I’m flattered, but I really need to get to class,” Shouyou quickly exclaims whilst running into the school, before they can say anything else. He steers his eyes forward so he isn’t tempted to look back and laugh because he hears Yachi yell something about forgetting the pamphlet. 

Shouyou hopes they don’t try anything else to get him on the team, and he regrets going into the practice in the first place. Even though the feeling of being on the court was absolutely a euphoric sort of feeling he’s never felt before, he was never going to join the team.

 

The day seems to pass much slower once he actually bothers to pay attention in class. He doesn’t want to even think about joining the volleyball team, so busies himself in taking notes and scribbling messy crows that sat outside the window. By the time the lunch bell rings he has doodled eleven and a half crows in different positions, mostly on the margins of his disorganized notes.

Most people stay in their classrooms for lunch today because the skies are so overcast, so Shouyou takes this as his chance to dash up the stairs onto the roof. Grey clouds hang heavily over the school, but because there isn't any rain he settles down on the ground and unzips his backpack. On a good week he might be able to make himself lunch and breakfast twice, but because Shouyou could no longer work long hours he wasn’t making quite as much money. He would have to save up a little more before he could eat more. Though he did have quite the sum of money saved, it was for emergencies and Natsu only, and he refuses to spend so much on himself. 

To distract himself from his stomach, his hands find his pencil set Kenma got him and the familiar worn cover of his old sketchbook. It was originally his mother’s, but she only drew nine full drawings and six unfinished before she could no longer continue. She was a much more talented artist than he was. She could, and would, draw anything and everything. A lot of the time she would ask him and Natsu to model for her, and she would draw them perfectly. If she added color they would look like photographs.

However she didn’t even need references like Shouyou did. He didn’t have a natural talent for art like she did, and even with years of practice, his sketches were rough to say the least. Suga said it gave his pieces style, so he would be able to point his out amongst everyone else’s. But personally, Shouyou doesn’t want unintentional smudges around his sketches. He wanted them to be neat and perfect like his mother’s, so maybe he could connect with her in some way. His specialty was mainly limited to scenery though, because people had too many details he didn’t like to consider while he was drawing, he mostly stuck to skylines and buildings.

“What are you drawing?” Called a gruff voice behind him, nearly making him drop his pencil in surprise. Shouyou looked behind him to see Kageyama look over his shoulder at the sketch in his lap. He gestures over the roof and the raven haired male looks back and forth over the railing and back to his sketch.

“I like it,” he grumbles before dropping his bag and sitting next to him, far enough so he can still peak through the bars of the railing without being distracted. He whispers a ‘thanks’ under his breath and continues sketching out the skyline. Then Kageyama clears his throat noisily and Shouyou turns his attention to him after finishing the outline of a smaller building.

“Can I see them?” Shouyou bites back a stubborn refusal and reluctantly hands over the book so Kageyama can flip to the first page. He inwardly gloats in the way his eyes bulge at the first drawing.

“Holy shit,” Kageyama looks up from the drawing as if he just realized that was a sketch of him. “Thats you. This was dated back over three years ago, you couldn’t have done this.” The boy concludes out loud.

“Yeah, the first fifteen sketches my mom did.” He admits sheepishly, gluing his eyes to the aged sheets of paper. The first fifteen pages are practically frayed at the edges from being flipped through, and looked at so often. The other pages in the book made her paper look almost yellow when compared.

“I don’t have talent like her, but I still like to draw,” he explains softly.

“Yeah no kidding, you can really see the difference,” Shouyou glares at him while he flips through his recent sketches, snickering under his breath. “But they’re still good, I’ve never seen anything thats messy, but still— good. I like them.” 

“Don’t patronize me,” he grits out under his breath, snatching the book back before he was done looking, trying to will away the embarrassed flush on his face.

“I’m serious dumbass,” he watches Shouyou angrily add lines to the rough sketch, then adds. “Why do all of your mom’s drawings stop three years ago?”

“We moved a few times in that period and I just found this book again recently.” Kageyama seems to accept that answer and a heavy silence hangs between them for a few minutes, the only sounds that interrupted their almost-silence was Kageyama’s quiet chewing and his pencil. Then Shouyou breaks it.

“So is there anything you want?” Shouyou looks over his shoulder to see Kageyama pause eating and stiffen, then a slight flush crept over his cheeks.

“Yes, well we want you to join the-“

“No.”

“Why not?!” Kageyama snaps, and as Shouyou watches his neutral expression twist into a frown he suddenly itches to draw an eloquent, broken or faded crown. But he requires a reference and he has no clue where to start when drawing without a reference. He wonders how Kageyama would react if he told him he’d look good with a crown.

“Because I’ve been on a team before, and I don’t plan on being on one again.” He says with an indifferent shrug instead. Because he doesn't want to get Kageyama any more upset then he’s already made him.

“That’s really dumb,” Kageyama deadpans, propping his chin on his fist while keeping impassive eye contact with Shouyou. He is about to retort when Kageyama continues.

“If you like something you should continue doing it, regardless of what other people think or do. I mean unless you’re holding back your team then you shouldn’t stop playing,” he snaps his mouth shut and continues to angrily draw, but stops himself when he is about to put too much pressure on the paper.

“I’m sorry Kageyama, I don’t think I’m going to join your team any time soon,” Shouyou snaps his unfinished drawing closed and shoves it in his backpack as the bell rings, signaling that lunch is over. He zips up his backpack and heads out the door, if he turned around he would have seen Kageyama longingly watching him go. But he didn’t

 

Shouyou runs his fingers through his already unruly hair, unbelievably tired and hungry. He plans to go to the convenient store once Natsu falls asleep, as he straps on his helmet. Tightening the straps of his backpack on his shoulders, he gets on his bike and swiftly leaves the parking lot. Today he had a run-in with a teacher that said he wasn’t allowed to ride a motorcycle to school. Once he calmly showed her paperwork he filed that afternoon with the Dean specifically stating he was allowed, she got incredibly angry and nearly gave him detention. Luckily the Dean proved to her that he was allowed to ride his Motorcycle, but he knew he and the teacher wouldn’t get along anymore.

He slows down to a stop when he gets to the gate of Natsu’s school, pushing up the kickstand with his tip of his shoe. She would be out soon, but he decided to get a head start on some English homework before he got home. He could only answer five questions confidently by the time Natsu runs at him and jumps at his torso, wrapping her tiny arms around him, and efficiently knocking the breath out of him. 

“How was your day at school?” Shouyou asks as she slowly makes her descent from his waist.

“Really fun! The girl I told you about earlier shared more of her lunch with me, I think we’re going to be best friends!” She quieted down for a second and glared down at the road. “But this boy in my class was mean to me, and the teacher just told me he likes me.” He stiffens and clenches his fists, pressing multiple crescents into his palms. Once he realizes his knuckles have turned white, he unclenches his fist with a long exhale and goes to console her. 

“Please tell me if that boy or anybody was mean to you again, or if a teacher tries to tell you if a boy will be mean to you if he likes you.” He didn’t know how he could talk to the teacher and tell them that that wasn’t okay. “Because thats real dumb, people don’t hurt you on purpose if they love you.” Natsu nodded her head in agreement glowering at the road in thought.

“I don’t want flowers,” his breath hitches as her voice cracks, looking up at him with her wide, watery eyes. He gathers her up in his arms to comfort her and racks his brain, trying to find a way to make this boy stop. The sight probably looks a little weird to the onlooking strangers, sibling latched on to each other, especially with Shouyou’s barely intimidating appearance and motorcycle. They’re still hugging when a voice calls out behind them. He instinctively pushes Natsu behind him and puffs out his chest, only to see Kageyama running towards them, with a pamphlet in hand.

“Who’s that?” Natsu asks softly, tugging on the end of his shirt.

“Don’t know, we should go,” he responds quickly, unclipping the helmet still on his head and buckling it onto her’s.

“Hinata!” Shouyou ignores the voice at it nears him quickly, instead choosing to pick up Natsu under her arms and plop her onto her seat.

“Shou, do you know him?” 

“Nope, now lets go.”

“Shou,” Natsu says firmly, choosing to look at Kageyama who was now breathing heavily next to them, whispering ‘wait’ in between pants. 

“I’m sorry for bothering you!” He starts, standing up straight from his former hunched position, only to bow at the waist when continuing. “But I encourage you to re-think your decision on joining the volleyball team.” Natsu sat up straighter and Shouyou drags his hands down his face in exasperation.

“Volleyball?” Natsu asks in surprise and awe. She was borderline bouncing in her seat, but she settled and pinched her brows together.

“Wait, who are you?”

“Kageyama Tobio, vice-captain of the volleyball team.”

“Shou! You have to go, you used to love volleyball! And you’re so good at it,” Natsu looks so excited for Shouyou. And it so dumb. 

“Plus,” she adds in a whisper. “He’s the vice captain. Asking you to join their team. Thats such an honor!”

“Yeah, Shou,” Kageyama adds quickly, a smirk heavy on his face.

“Used to,” he shoots back, no real malice in his voice. Kageyama was so dumb. Natsu’s excitement was dumb. His lacking self-restraint was dumb. Volleyball was dumb. His fears were dumb. Everything was just so dumb.

“One practice match,” Shouyou says quietly, half-hoping they didn’t hear him and would leave him alone. Unfortunately Kageyama heard him, he almost didn’t notice the way the raven’s face brightened. He was glad he did. It wasn’t like he was even grinning, but his lip twitched into an almost-smile and his eyes seemed so much happier. It was short-lived though, and his impassive face resurfaced in a heartbeat.

“Okay, we have one with Aoba Johsai on Friday. Can you be ready by then?” Kageyama asks with a touch of uncertainty.

“I think so!” His voice was spiraled in false confidence that sounded real enough to himself. But he would only have tomorrow to practice for over two months worth of lost time.

“Alright well lets make a deal,” Shouyou blinked to show he was listening. “If we lose this practice match than you don’t have to play with us ever again.” He is about to shake Kageyama’s hand to that, when he realized there was more. He held eye contact with him while Natsu was fidgeting with the hem of the straps on the helmet.

“However if we win, you have to join the team,” He finally held out his hand for Shouyou to shake, and he hesitantly put his hand in the larger, tanner one. Kageyama had so much confidence in his team Shouyou almost wanted to refuse the deal. If he remembered correctly it was Oikawa’s old team, so he knew they wouldn’t be easily beaten.

“I’m surprised you could go this long without volleyball actually, even if it has been only two months,” Natsu covers her giggles behind her hands. Kageyama looks anxious to hear more, but Shouyou is riding away from him before they can exchange anymore. 

 

“So do you wanna tell them or should I?” Natsu gathered Shouyou, Suga, and Oikawa in Suga’s apartment and made the three sit on his couch while she circled it like some kind of animal. Every time she passed her brother she glared at him.

“Tell us what Natsu-chan?” Oikawa asked, looking back and forth between the siblings suspiciously. Suga nodded in agreement, looking at her earnestly. 

“Shou joined the volleyball team!” Natsu exclaimed excitedly, jumping in the small space between Suga and Oikawa. Suga gasped in astonishment, a wide grin growing on his face and he cradles his cheeks with his hands.

“Is this true Shouyou?” He doesn’t get a chance to respond because Natsu is climbing out of her previous spot to sit in between his legs so she can look at Suga directly again.

“Its true! Its true! The vice captain was tracking him down to ask him to join, and I told him that he should, so he did,” she seems rather proud of this feat, her hands on her hips only adding to the ever apparent smug look on her face. Oikawa makes a face when Natsu mentions the vice captain, but the look is soon replaced by a conspicuous smile. 

“These are the things you’re supposed to tell me when I buy you pizza Shou-chan!” Oikawa shouts, the grin on his face giving away he wasn’t actually upset when he dramatically throws himself on Suga’s shoulder. Natsu stifles her giggles behind her hands.

“I wasn’t planning on joining the team, and I’m still not,” he continues after seeing the puzzled looks on their faces. “I made a deal with Kageyama, there’s a practice match Friday with Aoba Johsai. If Aoba Johsai wins I don’t have to join, but if Karasuno wins I have to join.” Shouyou leans into the couch, he can see the conflict on Oikawa’s features and thoughtfulness on Suga’s.

“I never thought I’d be routing for Karasuno even the slightest bit,” Oikawa says quietly, mildly disgusted. Suga elbows him in the gut, and turns to Natsu to high-five her.

“Good job Natsu!” She positively beams at the praise, drinking up every ounce of attention they give her. “I think as an award I should take you both to Sunny-Side Cafe! My treat,” he adds with a bright smile. Shouyou hesitates, he often feels bad for his friends paying for him so often, but he doesn’t have much of a choice so he almost always reluctantly agrees. He finds himself not having to answer because Natsu is straining to pull him off the couch, pink book bag strapped to her back, and yelling about being hungry and getting free food. 

The Sunny-Side Cafe was luckily only a few blocks away from the apartment, outside of the cafe was two hanging plants framing the door and a few tables near the long glass window. It reminded Shouyou of the florist they visited the other day. His stomach churned as Oikawa opened the door for them. Inside the cafe was lit by an orange glow that Natsu was immediately entranced by, mumbling ‘its so pretty’ under her breath as she quickly saved a table big enough for the four of them. Suga and Oikawa are already talking to the tall man at the register, who despite his intimidating appearance, seems to be more afraid of them then the other way around. 

“Don’t be so timid Asahi, she’ll love you, Natsu loves everybody!” Shouyou hears Suga say when he cautiously walks up towards them. The man, Asahi, laughs and pumps something into Oikawa’s complicated drink, looking at Suga over his shoulder.

“You sound like Daichi, Sugawara,” he comments handing Suga his drink and going back to make Oikawa’s. “I’ll be right with you!” He calls to Shouyou, sprinkling cinnamon on top of Oikawa’s drink. He sticks a candy straw in it and slides it over the counter with an apprehensive smile.

“You’re Shouyou right? Suga has told me a lot about you,” Shouyou quickly looks behind him to see Suga and Oikawa laughing with his sister once they sit down. “Ah sorry, what would you like to order?”

“Two small hot chocolates and an order of beignets please,” he says after glancing at the menu written in chalk behind Asahi. He digs through his wallet to take out a thousand yen and Suga materializes behind him to put the amount due on the counter. 

“I told you it was my treat,” Suga says calmly, hands on his hips.

“Actually were out of b-“ the chime of the door opening and a loud voice interrupts him and everybody’s attention is on the orange haired woman balancing five large boxes in her arms.

“Excuse me,” Asahi says to him and rushes over to the ginger, who’s light eyes brighten when she sees Suga and Shouyou. She dumps the stack of boxes into Asahi’s arms, piled high over his head, he sags slightly at the weight and blindly walks to the backroom. The ginger woman ties her long hair into a bun on top of her head and slips on an apron, fastening a bow in the back.

“How can I help you?” She asks with a big smile, her striking pale blue eyes were looking him over, stopping at his hair. 

“If you guys are out of beignets I’ll have daifuku please.”

“We’re out already?” She ducks down to look at the pastries through the glass display, humming when she sees the empty spot where beignets were. “If you really want them I can whip up another batch, no sweat.”

“Thats not necessary-“ But she is already turning her back to him to gather materials.

“We will get a lot of seniors in a few hours anyways, bingo is on Wednesdays a few doors down,” She explains with a reassuring smile then returning to furiously work. She goes into the backroom just as Asahi returns behind the counter.

“Would you like whip cream on either of your drinks’?” He asks politely, Shouyou can see him drawing small stars around Natsu’s name.

“Yes please, on both, and caramel on top of Natsu’s,” He goes to pay with Suga’s money still on the counter when a loud voice from the backroom stops him.

“Don’t let him pay, it’s on the house!” Asahi smiles sheepishly and sets both of their cups on the counter when they’re done a few minutes later, then proceeds to tell him that his beignets will be ready shortly. Shouyou grabs their cups and Suga’s money a wide smile on his lips.

“Guess who just got free food!” He sings-songs once he reaches their table, shaking his shoulders triumphantly, then handing Natsu her drink. Oikawa gasps, child-like glee shining in his eyes.

“I taught you well, how’d you manage to charm Asahi so fast?” Suga smacked him lightly on the shoulder, their laughter filling the warm cafe heavenly. Shouyou discreetly digs through Natsu’s bag, snatching the polaroid and snapping a picture of the three before Oikawa could protest. Oikawa blinks after the flash and yells that he wants to see it. Shouyou laughs and shakes the picture gently once its printed, holding it out for them to see. Their faces were all still smiling from the after effects of laughter, and Suga’s eyes were closed, but it all looked so perfectly natural.

“Oh, its so cute Shouyou!” Suga gushes, taking a picture of it with his phone, Natsu compliments the lighting then complains about wanting to take the first picture. They do end up taking a few more photos as Natsu as their photographer before their beignets come. Oikawa makes an artsy display on the table with the photos and all of their drinks, taking a picture and posting it on a few social medias.

“Thank you for the beignets, you didn’t have to do all that,” Shouyou smiles genuinely up at the ginger who smiles back just as brightly. 

“My name is Leiko, and its not problem at all,” She walked behind Natsu’s chair and ruffled her hair a bit. “Us gingers need to stick together!” Natsu brightened at that, smiling up at Leiko wondrously. She claps Asahi on the back as he was walking over to their table, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, politely asking if he could sit with us for a few minutes.

“Sorry about Leiko, she’s pretty forward.”

“I’m not complaining,” Shouyou says, biting into his beignet. They all talk long after they finish their large order of beignets, leaving the cafe with a booming ‘come again soon!’ following them out the door.

They split up at their respected apartments, Natsu giving them each a single polaroid from today. 

 

He watches Natsu use pretty tape to secure today’s pictures in her thick journal, then writes about today under the photos. He doodles coffee cups in empty spaces on the page upon request and Natsu finishes the colorful page with a smiley face sticker she earned today in school, then closes the journal proudly. 

“Lets go hang up your picture with the others Shou!” Natsu hops off her barstool excitedly, Shouyou falls behind her a dazed smile playing on his lips. He lets her pick the perfect spot on his wall on his growing collection and he uses tacky to stick it there. They both step back a few feet to look at the large cluster of photos. They have only lived in this apartment for a month, but it feels like so much longer when he looks at all of his friends in the photos, coming to visit him in his new, better, and safer home. They sit side-by-side on his small bed, Natsu loops their fingers together.

“I’m glad we aren’t in Osaka anymore,” Natsu says softly, subdued. She doesn’t meet his eyes, and in moments like these he forgets Natsu is only seven, and that she shouldn’t know as much as she does about the horrors in their life. He would give anything for his sister to never have to experience what they already had.

“You seem happier here, I like it when you’re happy,” She meets his eyes, finally. “I’m sorry that I made you play volleyball, but you're happy playing. I know you are, even if you don’t wanna say it. And thats okay, sometimes you like things you don’t want to. Its okay.” He's worrying his lip between his teeth, then runs his tongue over the teeth marks imbedded in his lip, too deep in thought. He wants to say that he didn’t love volleyball, that he was doing it to make her happy, or to make Kageyama stop bothering him. But it would be a lie, so he doesn’t say anything. He wants to tell her that she's gotten so smart, but he can’t find the words on his stone tongue. 

They keep staring at the ceiling.

 

“You have the brightest smile I’ve ever seen, but I bet you have the most pathetic story I’ll hear all day.” A silence hangs heavy between him and he’s acutely aware of a fat drop of sweat rolling down his neck. 

 

“Mommy issues? Daddy issues? No- I bet you have both. Im gonna say both.”

 

Mottled blues, purples and blacks on skin like constellations and I love you’s. Crumbling and decaying red and white roses stored in a shoe box under a bed.

 

Sweaty bodies and exhaustion and screaming and yelling and broken cries swirled with violent forced moans.

 

Broken promises and suffering and suffocating and suffocating and suffocating and

 

Shouyou shoots out of bed with a strangled gasp. He’s coughing and sputtering and the only thing that seems pulls him to earth is his terrifying grip on his sheets. His heartbeat’s erratic and he tries to settle his vibrating knees with shaking hands. Any effort of calming down is futile.

The overwhelming lull of silence is not wanted, but accepted. 

As expected, every time he’s close to falling asleep the tormenting nightmares plague his mind. So he swallows his efforts and makes himself too powdery instant coffee. The horror of the events still linger in the back of his head, but the buzz of caffeine distracts him enough. The memories from the dream are fresh, but they’re something he can tolerate. 

There really isn’t a whole lot to do while he’s alone, he always has Natsu with him, but she’s asleep. He doesn’t have a phone to call anybody, and even if he did the only person that might be awake is Kenma. So he does what he’s best at, he exercises.

Because they only moved in a month ago there isn’t much in the apartment other than the furniture that came with the apartment. Oikawa helped him with some of the interior design, like the style of the pillows, and making sure all the colors matched. And it looks kinda perfect to him. Though he misses his personal workout equipment. (Especially his punching bag, he could really let out some stress on that.) It is all back in Osaka. 

And he was not going back. 

He made due by moving the coffee-table closer to the couch, he honestly doesn’t even know why he has it, but Oikawa insisted. He starts off with a few reps of pushups and sit-ups, quickly getting into a routine of alternating between the two. Then he does the regular stretches, bouncing on his toes, barely hoping in the air, touching the floor from a standing position, jumping jacks, switching between them so fast he has little time to rest.

Once he's done and feels lighter on his feet, he starts to punch at the air, twisting his body so his right arm is punching faster and stronger. He does a basic punching routine, eventually kicking at the air as well. Wiping the sweat gathering at his hairline, he cools down with breathing exercises. After he's done with cooling down exercises, he makes sure he still has a few hours before he has to prepare for school before gathering a towel and making his way to the bathroom.

Despite working up a sweat he sets the temperature of the water to a scalding level and steps into the shower. His skin prickles pink at the hot water, but he won’t relent to make the temperature any cooler. He presses his thumbs under his eyes, dragging his fingers over his face. He’s not quite sure why he does this, he thinks as he traces the slim structure of his face, maps it out in symmetrical motions with the tips of his fingers. Convinces himself he is alive, he is here, in this moment, and he was going to be okay. He's going to be okay. He's going to be okay.

With an elongated breath he opens his eyes and continues to wash his hair. He turns the water off with a quiet click and steps out the shower onto the bath mat. Avoiding his bare reflection in the foggy mirror he wraps a towel around his waist and exits the bathroom, a cloud of steam following him.

There’s just enough time for his mind to wander while he’s showering.

…

Natsu is up an hour earlier than she normally wakes and demands they go to Sunny-Side Cafe because she had a nightmare. He doubts it was that bad, because he didn’t have to calm her down and she hardly seems fazed. However he can’t deny even the smallest of requests from her, so he is quick to agree and even lets her blow-dry his damp hair for him. When he deems his hair dry enough he double checks their school supplies and homework. The cafe is the opposite direction of the school, so he sets off for the direction of the cafe on his motorcycle, after making sure Natsu was secure.

The door chimes with their arrival and they can hear a faint ‘I’ll be right with you’ from the back room, Natsu hops to the case of desserts, marveling over the pastries. Shouyou breathes in the fresh aroma of baked pastries with a small smile.

“What can I get for you this morning,” Leiko asks with a yawn. “Oh! The ginger siblings, back so soon?” She then leans her attention to Natsu, who is still entranced by basically everything in the cafe.

“Anything I can help you with?” Natsu laces her fingers behind her back, nodding shyly. She points to a pastry and Shouyou gets himself another coffee, he doesn’t like the taste of coffee very much, but he still pretty tired. He observed Leiko with quiet interest as she flits around, making his coffee. The only drastic difference between them was Leiko’s clear blue eyes, her straighter nose, and her more obvious, darker freckles doting her nose and cheeks.

Natsu has pretty dark brown eyes like their mother, while his was much more like their father’s. He’s internally prided himself on looking like his mother for as long as he could remember, however he’s always resented his lighter eyes. He doesn’t think he’s met another ginger that looks so similar to them, its kind of magnetizing. He voices this to Leiko, who sets his coffee on the counter and begins typing into the register. 

“I don’t think I’ve met any Japanese person with ginger hair like our’s,” he gestures to himself and Natsu, who's somehow managed to get frosting on her nose.

“Yeah me neither, and I’ve been ‘round lot longer longer than you two.” She tells him the amount due in-between yawns and smiles sleepily. 

“It’s nice to get a change in face in here, Sugawara has told me a little bit about you guys— don't make that face, all good things I promise,” Shouyou scrunches up his nose in distaste when hearing more people know about him and Natsu, but continues to sip his scalding coffee. Suga is a great person as far as he knows, but he seems to talk a little too much about him and his sister to strangers.

“Alright, well you guys can stay here, but I have to go in the back to prepare for today.” Leiko waves from behind the counter, a large grin still on her face. “See ya later!” She adds as an afterthought. They don’t stay much longer after she disappears in the backroom, both of them finishing their food quickly.

After dropping Natsu off at school and wishing her a good day all too loudly, he sets off in the direction of his school. His habit of watching the sakura petals fall becomes slightly distracting when driving his motorcycle and he nearly loses his footing at a stop sign. 

He reminds himself of Natsu and is immediately aware of his safety, adjusting his slouched posture and footing. Once he enters the school grounds his attention is regained on the road and he takes his time to park. In his haste to get far away from the gym and into the school he doesn’t notice the looming figure behind him. 

The hairs on the nape of his neck stand up as he gets the feeling that he’s being watched as he turns around, swinging one strap of his backpack on his shoulder in the process and nearly slamming his face into a large chest.

“Sorry— er whats the big idea?” Shouyou corrects his nervousness and straightens his posture in what he hopes to be an intimidating manor, only to look up and meet glaring blue eyes staring right back at him.

“Why did you miss morning practice?” He swallows his nerves and reassures himself that he wasn’t about to be beat up, despite his extremely intimidating demeanor. 

“You didn’t tell me when there was morning practice.”

“Yes I did.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Yes I did.”

“No you didn’t!”

“I did, it was in the pamphlet.”

“Even if I had the pamphlet, which I don’t by the way, I wouldn’t be able to make it because I have to take Natsu to school,” his nerves are long forgotten when the swell of competitive spirit rises in his chest. 

“Why weren’t you in morning practice? Were you waiting for me?” Shouyou can’t help the snarky grin on his face as he waits for an answer.

“Is Natsu your younger sister?”

“You ignored my question.”

“Is she?”

“You’re still ignoring my question.”

“Is she?”

He clicks his tongue, “she is.”

“Can’t your parents drive her school?”

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

“Well can’t they?”

“They’re busy,” he huffs, crossing his arms over his chest indignantly, realizing Kageyama isn’t going to answer him.

“Okay, then can’t she walk herself to school?” At the look of genuine curiosity on his face, Shouyou uncrosses his arms and shoves his hands in his pockets.

“She can, but I don't want her to.”

“Why not?”

“Because we’re new to the area,” he trails off. “Besides, whats the point to practicing so much today and tomorrow if we’re just going to lose, and I’m going to win the bet.”

Kageyama looks royally offended at this accusation, like he’s never heard about anyone say he was going to lose, and refusing more volleyball practice in the same sentence. ”Our team is stronger that Aoba Johsai.”

“That’s not what Oikawa said,” Shouyou sing-songs, rocking on his heels teasingly. His old teammates informed him that he lacks the intimidating demeanor that most tall players have, but instead can get people riled up by teasing them about their lack of skill. 

Kageyama tenses at the name and mumbles some heated compliments (sounding more like insults) under his breath. He chuckles at his reaction and folds his arms behind his back in a mocking fashion.

“Well either way, you can practice now,” He says quickly, grabbing Shouyou’s wrist and pulling him towards the gym.

“Kageyama.”

“What?”

“We have five minutes before we have to get to our first class, and I don’t even have practice clothes,” he says, tapping his watch. He rips his wrist out of Kageyama’s grasp with a huff, crossing his arms over his chest defiantly.

“Well once we win and you have to join the team I’ll pay the fees for your clothing.” Shouyou scoffs at the confidence Kageyama has in his team, but he nods at the declaration, not about to spend money for a stranger if he doesn’t have to. That doesn’t mean his pride doesn’t claw at his throat, wanting to argue and pay for the clothing he can’t afford.

Kageyama’s absolute trust in his team is a little unnerving, it almost makes him think that Karasuno might win.

Almost.

“Well, I have to go to class, you can return to waiting for me to show up to morning practice or whatever you do in your free time,” he makes finger guns and aims them at Kageyama, making shooting noises as he walks backwards and then pivots so he can run away. 

“Wait!” Shouyou groans and looks behind his shoulder before he can dash into the school. “You have to come to afternoon practice.” Shouyou groans louder, resisting the urge to stomp his foot.

“Natsu is going to have to come today then,” He pinches the bridge of his nose, attempting to ward off the incoming headache.

“Thats fine,” Shouyou looks up to see the unchanging, neutral expression on Kageyama’s face and his frown deepens.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

…

The day couldn’t go slow enough. Once the final bell rang he trudged his way towards his bike, taking three minutes longer when he wasn’t running. He also goes a few miles under the speed limit when he rides to Natsu’s school.

She’s already outside talking animately to a friend when he arrives, moving her hands all around as the darker haired girl listens with big eyes. 

Natsu gestures to him and waves goodbye to her as she bounces onto his motorcycle, “are we going to your practice?” She asks happily, strapping the helmet on when he handed it to her.

“Yeah,” he waits until she is done tightening the strap to fit her head to ask how her day was.  
“Super good! I met Torru’s nephew at lunch, he’s in a different class, but he was super nice,” Shouyou smiles at that, making sure Natsu was secure before swerving back onto the road.

“I can’t wait to see you play again, I wonder if this team is gonna be as good as your old one.” Her backpack rubs uncomfortably against his chest as she bounces her legs against the side of the motorcycle, but he doesn’t have the heart to tell her to stop. 

His ex-teammates didn’t let him practice blocking as much as he would have wanted, or frankly let him do much of anything other than receiving. But it ultimately made him a better player, he was forced to use his head so he didn’t take as many spikes to the face. Kitazuiku Academy was notorious for its strong players and well put-together teams. Shouyou stuck out like a sore thumb amongst them, and it wasn’t until halfway through his second year that he was even considered to be put on the starting lineup. 

Even after proving that he could jump at least twice the height any of the players could everybody insisted that his receive needed improving, his serve lacked power, his spike was lousy, he wasn’t ever good enough. 

Their relentless comments pushed him to prove them wrong, to practice more, to be better. But he wasn’t given many chances to prove to his team, to himself, that he was good enough. Most of them wouldn’t even practice with him, except—

“Were here! You better practice hard Shou,” Natsu exclaims loudly as he pulls into the parking lot. He parks in his unofficial spot and slowly tears his thoughts from Kitazuiku. He isn’t really expecting much from Karasuno, they will probably treat him the same way his old teammates did. So he doesn’t understand the fuss the third years made 

“Yes ma’m,” Shouyou offers a hand to Natsu once she unclips her helmet, she swings her legs over to one side and hops off on her own. As they approach the gym and the familiar sounds of practice gets louder his self-deprecating thoughts become more apparent. He should have been practicing more. He should have pushed them for more practice. He should have stayed later to practice his jump serve. He can’t believe he’s stopped playing for so long, it’s going to take a while to get back into the swing of things. He’s so incredibly stupid—

“Hey,” Natsu pinches his wrist. “Stop making that face. Whenever you make that face it means bad.” She stops in the doorway of the gym, having released her death grip on his wrist. 

“It’s going to be okay, I don’t think these people are like your old team,” she smiles and turns toward the entrance, running inside blithely like she didn’t say anything worth remembering.

Shouyou watches her disappear into the gym with the acute awareness that things are changing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH IM SO SORRY!!! I have this entire story and the sequel planned out, but actually writing it takes a lot out of me. This chapter was actually supposed to be at least 3k longer, but I decided I wanted this chapter out as soon as possible. I will try to get the next chapter out next month I promise! 
> 
> Btw If anyone would want to beta this story that would be really fucking awesome, pls lemme know if you can bc this story is messier than my life :)


	6. Poison On My Lips Tastes Like Liquid Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a fire in his lungs smothering his esophagus, not allowing him to say anything back. So he swallowed in an attempt to extinguish the flames, and he assured himself nothing would be different with this team. No matter how much he tried, how much he pushed himself, he would never be good enough.
> 
> “You don’t have to do everything alone,” Kageyama finished, and suddenly he was very aware of the entire team’s eyes on them.
> 
> “The view from the top, is a view, I have only ever seen on my own.”

Shouyou stiffens as a volleyball whizzes past his shoulder from across the room, “Sorry, my mistake!” He blinks, realizing his arms have taken the defensive position and calls out a wobbly ‘no problem.’ He rolls back his shoulders and jogs over to Yamaguchi.

 

“Hey could you send me a few serves to receive, I’m still a bit out of practice.” Yamaguchi’s eyes widen with surprise and he watches him consciously smooth back his ruffled hair, only for the tuffs to bounce back into place.

 

“Yeah, of course,” He beams. “I won’t hold back!” Everyone’s enthusiasm here was so blinding, he couldn’t remember the last time he outwardly reacted half as happily to simply be practicing. The two of them took over one of the few nets, Yachi immediately rolling over a half-empty cart with well-worn volleyballs to them. They both thank her as Yamaguchi rolls one of them between his hands, bouncing it twice on the floor before getting into position, confidence rolling over his shoulders in waves. Shouyou wishes he could analyze every aspect in him as quickly like the captain of his old team could, his only observation being the glint in his eyes that screamed ‘I have a secret and you don’t know it.’ 

 

Yamaguchi threw the ball up and ran forward, serving a perfect jump float. Shouyou couldn’t help the surprise on his face, he hasn’t practiced with many pinch servers. The ball swerves in the air and Shouyou dives to at least get the ball back in the air, but fails to make it in time. He was expecting a stronger serve rather than a jump float, but this much more matches his physique. 

 

“Once more,” He says after getting up, shaking his arms in anticipation. Yamaguchi doesn’t hesitate in grabbing another ball and sending another serve over the net, his form still flawless. This one just grazes his knuckles after nearly diving after it, bouncing under the net and back to him. 

 

“That one was close,” Yamaguchi sends him a warming smile. _You should have gotten the first serve._ Shouyou sucks in a hasty breath and nods solemnly, getting in position again, a silent plea for another serve. Yamaguchi furrows his brow at Shouyou’s distressed looking face, but doesn’t comment on it. He dribbles another ball, shifting his weight across the balls of his feet to get comfortable, but wasting no time once Shouyou looked prepared for another. When the ball floats over he focuses on the wobble of the ball and bends over to where the ball falls and receives it high into the air and over the net. A first year gasps behind him and Shouyou gets up quickly and pivots to look at at the whole team, and their eyes’ on him. _You couldn't even do that correctly._

 

He swallows thickly, imagining everyones’ thoughts on him, they must be taunting him, they think he is terrible. Looking over at Natsu, she meets his stare with fierce eyes and clenched fists.

 

“Once more,” and that’s all he has to say for everything to resume to its regular pace.

 

…

 

It took several more tries to get a decent receive within the net, it was his least favorite thing in volleyball, but it was a necessity and the main area he worked on while he lived in Osaka. He couldn’t stop looking over at Kageyama, who was tossing to the first years, and despite his better judgment he kept staring while Yamaguchi served again. He wouldn’t have even been aware of it until it smacked him in the side of the skull and he landed on his back.

 

Several pairs of footsteps thunder towards him, as he pushed himself back and away from them, shooting up he was met with all different types of concern.

 

“I deserved that one, sorry for spacing out,” he should have known they would still throw volleyballs at him when he wasn’t completely focused, he feels a little stupid for thinking otherwise.

 

“What? No I’m so so sorry, I didn’t mean to I swear,” Shouyou head snaps up in disbelief and is met with a stinging pain in his head and heartfelt eyes. “Do you actually think I meant to hit you?” He can’t even get a word out before Kageyama is rushing towards him and checking him over.

 

“Are you alright?” He doesn’t want to believe everyone is being sincere, but he can’t shake the feeling of concern off his shoulders. Kageyama’s hand outstretched to help him up is staring him right in the face, but he pushes it away, getting up on his own. There is a sense of worry and fear that surrounds most of the players, he doesn’t want to admit that its a little nice. 

 

There is a quieter pitter-patter of feet and tiny ‘excuse me’s’ that erupts from the back of the crowd and suddenly Natsu is next to him, looking ready to pounce on top of him. When everyone else approaches him like a wounded animal Natsu offers a nice balance. He can’t help it, everyone’s dynamic on this team, his own obscure worries, and the difference in expressions surrounding has him chucking. He explains he got distracted and that its nothing to worry over, and slowly the crowd he has gathered, dissipates. Yamaguchi asks him if he wants an icepack or anything, fretting over his head without actually touching it, but Shouyou waves him off and seeks out Kageyama. 

 

“Toss to me?” Instead of giving a proper response Kageyama calls over to Yachi and they immediately get to work. 

 

He’s out of practice, he doesn’t look at him in the face after the first few measly spikes, but he keeps going. Wiping his slightly damp palms on sweatpants he tries his best to conceal the trills of excitement flowing through him in waves. He can finally look into the air and see a ball tossed just for him, not out of pity or from finally of being worn down after pleading for weeks on end. It’s there because Kageyama wanted to toss to him, because he felt Shouyou was good enough.

 

 

They go on like this for a hours, until Shouyou aches in the satisfying way that can’t be replicated and Natsu’s eyes are fluttering closed. He makes a note to buy her something small from the vending machine before they go as he slams another ball to the other side of the court. 

 

He starts wringing his hands out and stretching his back when he hears Kageyama mumble something under his breath.

 

“What was that?”

 

“Oh, nothing,” Shouyou raises his eyebrow and starts to turn away when Kageyama starts again. “It’s just that, you seemed to enjoy yourself out there, especially as you started getting better.” Shouyou twists his tongue between his teeth and spins around expecting to see him leer down at him with some sort of smug look on his face. But instead its pure interest and genuine curiosity. Shouyou still finds himself wanting to wipe the look off his face, he doesn’t know how to handle kindness anymore than he can handle anything else. 

 

“Yeah well its not like a volleyball murdered my family-,“

 

“Really? Because you act like it,” he clenches his jaw and pushes his tongue against the back of his front teeth looking for a response. Instead he just turns the other way, crouching down to pick up a volleyball and go to an empty net.

 

“H- hey I didn’t mean it, why don't we practice for a few more minutes before your sister falls asleep,” he licks his lips, risking another glance towards Natsu, then wordlessly hands over the ball. It’s a sort of natural movement between the two of them, fitting together like a puzzle. Later Shouyou will wonder what life would be life if they hadn’t run away to Osaka. If he had been apart of this life, he’ll have to try not to cry thinking about it.

 

…

 

Shouyou is able to leave once the sun sets, but not before when the street lights come on. The shirt he wears, already a size too large, fits him awkwardly as it sticks to his chest where he sweats. The rest of the boys goes into a separate room to change, but he decides to sneak out with an unconscious Natsu cradled in his arms. He’s only barley able to make it to his bike when his arms wobble from exhaustion and give out, plopping Natsu right onto her spot with a grunt. 

 

“Hey!” An unfortunately familiar voice draws out, followed by quickly paced footsteps. Shouyou violently makes a shushing motion and points to his sister, making Kageyama stop in his tracks and tread lightly the rest of the way. 

 

“Why didn’t you change with us?”

 

“You came all this way to ask me that?” he exhales through his nose in exasperation at the look on Kageyama’s face and continues on. “I need to get home quickly so I can finish my homework and make dinner, plus I don’t really want to leave her alone.”

 

He gives him a look at that, “She wouldn’t be left alone for more than a few minutes and- whatever just, you missed the speech that the captain gave. The date is being moved back to not next Friday, but the Friday after. So you’ll have more time to practice before we go against Aoba Johsai.” Shouyou’s face at this twists into something of exaggerated exasperation and agony.

 

“Don’t be so dramatic.”

 

“I can be dramatic if I want to be fucking dramatic!” Natsu groans at the volume of her brothers voice and shifts against his front. “Whatever, I’ve gotta go.” He’s off in a cloud of smoke before Kageyama could get another word out, grumbling curses under his breath so harshly he forgets his exhaustion. He couldn’t admit to even himself that he didn’t mind the extra time.

 

…

 

Over the next few days they fall into a loop. The Hinata siblings are able to get to know the team individually and as a whole. They all fall in love with Natsu, as expected. And when they are resting on the bench they help her with her homework, buy her food from the vending machine, introduce her to music, talk about interests, or just let her babble. Shouyou would be lying if he said he wasn’t grateful, but he can’t seem to shake the feeling of anxiety. Seeing her around people without being able to watch as he pleases, it feels like a stone of apprehension lies at the bottom of his stomach, leaping every time someone glances at her. Still, he feels as if she is more apart of the team then he is.

 

The date approaches faster than he would have liked it to, and as hard as he tries to avoid personal chats with the team he can't seem to steer clear of Kageyama. He doesn’t let himself get close, but he cant ignore how hard the other obviously seems to be trying.

 

The two of them have developed a quick, and anyone that knows an ounce about volleyball probably would have pegged him as a libero, because he really only hit a growth spurt a few months ago. But he isn’t as short as he was his first year, and though he is a bit out of practice, he can _jump_.

 

When he was smaller it might have seemed more astonishing because he was so short, but now he doesn’t need to make up what he lacks in height as much. 

 

He thinks about it as he gives the ball he’s holding an experimental toss, Yachi pushed over a cart nearly filled to the brim and gives him a thumbs up. He walks backwards a few steps, tosses the ball high into the air and a bit in front of him, runs a few paces, jumps, and slams the ball to the other side of the court. The sound echoes off the gym walls, but he has already started his cycle.

 

Take a step back.

 

_his mom draws a line in pink chalk on the sidewalk_

 

Dribble the ball a few times.

 

_her laugh is like a cool breeze in the summer’s heat_

 

Toss the ball high.

 

_promises of ice-cream if he can jump past the line_

 

Run towards it.

 

_licking her thumb to get a stray drip of ice-cream off of his cheek_

 

Jump high.

 

_their combined laughter as she resorts to tickling him after his complaint_

 

Spike it over the net. 

 

_sighing in content after she gives him a kiss on the forehead and they prepare for the night ahead_

 

Repeat.

 

_stepping into the house haunted by melancholy_

 

Step back.

 

_helping her make dinner, now a sudden awareness of everything that they never fully prepare for_

 

Dribble.

 

_lock turning, their silence become quieter, he watches her knuckles turn white around the wooden spoon_

 

Toss.

 

_utensils scraping at the plate, not a word spoken, the words he wishes to say hang in the air and stay there_

 

Run.

 

_he holds his knees to his chest loosely, pressing his ear to the wall trying to hear if his name is being yelled_

 

Jump.

 

_eyes growing heavy, but knowing his routine, he knows to stay awake until the knock_

 

Spike.

 

_at five slow knocks, five quick knocks and he creaks his closet door open, and she is open arms_

 

Repeat.

 

_her makeup is dark and cakey around her right eye_

 

Back.

 

_she rests her chin against his hair, he knows it’s so she doesn’t have to look at him in the eye_

 

Dribble.

 

_and he doesn’t say anything when her voice quivers as she reads a book to him_

 

Toss.

 

_one of her tears lands on a page and her words slur together, he still doesn’t say anything_

 

Run.

 

_her grip loosens completely as it slowly slides out of her hands_

 

Jump.

 

_he sets the book down beside them, turns his flashlight off, and drapes a blanket over them both_

 

Spike.

 

_the sound of the muffled television puts him to sleep, its been a good night_

 

**Repeat-**

 

“Stop!” A hand wraps around his wrist and he instinctively thrusts his elbow behind him, another hand stops it and he suddenly becomes very aware the emptiness of the gym and the ringing in his ears. His eyes dart to where his sister is supposed to be and he feels his stomach drop to his feet. He’s off running before Kageyama can say another word, sprinting to the open door and the sound of voices. 

 

She's there, surrounded by half of the team laughing as Tsukishima, a monstrously tall blond, is crouched down pointing to a few different options of the vending machine before choosing one and handing it over to Natsu. He can hear his blood pulsing in his ears, sweat pouring down his forehead, and then a gentle tap on his shoulder. Despite the gentleness of it, it nearly causes him to leap out of his skin.

 

“Sorry we didn’t tell you we were leaving, you seemed pretty focused,” Yachi explains, pushing a bit of her bangs behind her ear. “She’s got them wrapped around her finger you know.”

 

“What?” His eyes don’t leave his sister, anxiety still crashing around in his stomach like tidal waves. 

 

“Natsu. They love her already,” she pauses. “They are all going to try their best to win next Friday, not just for her, but for you.” Shouyou doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he doesn’t. The silence that hangs over them, it isn’t thick like its supposed to be.

 

…

 

The usual crowd at lunch, on the roof, is in a word: refreshing. Shouyou can predict what subject each pair of students will study and everyone generally keeps quiet, it’s relaxing and the only time Shouyou can draw. And he has spent a lot of time perfecting the art of avoiding Kageyama and finding a way to make sure he doesn’t know what times he’s on the roof.

 

A few days ago he ended up buying himself a multipurpose sketchbook for a more casual use. Now he’s able to draw without the pressure of making his drawings as beautiful as her’s.

 

From here he can see some of the team eating at the picnic table, sometimes he tries to draw them, but he never gets their features quite right. He’s getting Yamaguchi’s hair all wrong, when he notices warm breath on his cheek. 

 

“Who’s that?” He yelps, throws his book into the air and throws himself in the opposite direction of the low voice. Kageyama catches the book, snickering and attempts to open it when Shouyou is immediately up and snatches it back from him. He’s grumbling and shoving the book into his bag, and slinging his bag over his shoulder in no time, ignoring Kageyama’s resorts. 

 

“Hey, hey, hey, stop,” He gets in front of him, putting his hands in front of him so Shouyou can’t side-step him. “Have you been ignoring me?”

 

“Noooo,” sarcasm drips from his lips, enough that even Kageyama could catch it.

 

“Why?” He’s so honestly asking, that it almost hurts. So Shouyou steels himself and looks him in the dead in the eye. But he wavers, it’s only for a second, maybe less, but he’s sure he caught it and will definitely exploit it.

 

Kageyama looked sad.

 

And Shouyou doesn’t know what to do about that.

 

…

 

Suddenly they’re sitting together.

 

Shouyou can feel him watching him draw, subsequently making him worse, but he’s only drawing roses now. 

 

“Is that a rose?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Oh, it doesn’t really look like it.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Have you eaten yet?”

 

“Yeah,” his stomach quietly growls in anger at the lie. Luckily not loud enough.

 

“You’re so weirdly thin, there isn’t an ounce of fat on you, but barely any muscle.” Shouyou snaps his book closed and stands up, startling Kageyama.

 

“If you’re just going to insult me I should just leave.” He grabs his bag and makes his way to the door when his hand clasps heavy around his wrist.

 

“Stay,” they make brief eye contact, but Shouyou breaks it. “Please.”

 

…

 

When Shouyou stood in front of the mirror that night, after he brushed his teeth, he dwelled on his appearance. He dropped his towel so he was bare to it. Truly, he was all hard edges, hips just bone, and when he trailed his hand down his chest, his skin was soft. Except for the myriad of scars. They were small little things, white and puffed out again his skin, nearly blended in now though, looking self-inflicted, but only he knew the truth. There was a much larger, jagged one under his navel trailing underneath his hipbone, standing out proudly next to the valley of white lines. 

 

The mirror had never been good to him, and it still refused to be. He was thin and gangly when he was young, but with a soft, roundness in his cheeks. Even though his plate wasn’t often full he had a sort of feminine softness to him. Now it would be hard to find an inch of fat on him. His stomach was all hard lines rippling in potential power as he ghosted his fingers over it. His core diminished his waist some, but he could still feel it there, the sharp cut from his rib cage. And he had pretty narrow shoulders too, making him look smaller as a whole.

 

He looked down at himself, at the strongest part of himself, his calves. For a long time it was the only thing he liked about himself, they were strong, skin pulled taunt over curved muscles at the top where they lied most prominent. It carried through his thighs, gently bulging over his knees, where his power waves when he jumps. 

 

But despite all of this, he was thin, much thinner than he was a year ago, and only getting worse as the days go by. Only eating enough to not pass out doesn’t help his case either. Before he moved back to Miyagi he used to tell himself that if he had nothing else, he had his legs, he had his jump, it was what made him equal to his teammates. Looking in the mirror now he knew that his money starved diet was only eating at his body.

 

…

 

And then they’re sitting next to each other again.

 

And again.

 

“Hey, I didn’t mean it as your body was weird or anything, if anything its nice.”

 

And again.

 

“It’s okay,” and it was.

 

And again.

 

Theres a constant flush on his cheeks and an eruption in his dormant heart, but his teeth clamp over his tongue so nothing else is said.

 

Until the Friday of the game.

 

…

 

Oikawa and Suga somehow found out about the change in date around a week ago, and even offered to take Natsu, but he figured he could just pick Natsu up early and drive to the school, skipping the bus all together. That was until Yamaguchi heard of the plan.

 

“No, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to have someone else pick up Natsu, it’s school policy, you have to ride on the bus.” The thought of not being able to watch over Natsu made his skin crawl. Tsukishima gave Yamaguchi a weird look and walked over, opening his mouth to say something when Yamaguchi quickly covers his friend’s face with both of his hands.

 

“Oh! Unless you could drop the bike off at the school after quickly picking her up. That way you can still ride the bus!” Shouyou mulled it over, ignoring their soft bickering. 

 

“Okay,” they stop arguing, pulling their heads’ up from their previously crouched positions. “Yeah, I mean I don't see the harm in that.”

 

“Really? Because you seem to see the harm in everything else,” Yamaguchi elbows Tsukishima in the ribs, but he still catches the snide comment.

 

“It’s okay, I know can be a little,” he pauses. “Cautious, and guarded. But it’s what’s kept us alive and well.” They give him a look, but he’s already pulled his bag over his shoulder and left for the rooftop.

 

 

When he arrives on the roof he sees Kageyama sitting crosslegged on the ground at their regular place, he’s tensely picking through his rice and looking over what appears to be the volleyball plans for today. 

 

“Why are you going through the plans again? I’m sure you already know them by heart, and besides,” Shouyou sits down next to him. “It’s just a practice game.” While at first he seemed startled by the sudden noise, he immediately hardened at Shouyou remark.

 

“Well its an important practice game!” He thinks back to their initial bet, wondering if he really want him on the team that much? “We have to figure out the strengths and weaknesses of the first years. The first game is one of the most important ones,” Oh.

 

He doesn't know what to say to that, so he sketches an empty court.

 

…

 

“Suga, Torru!” He can’t even fully park before Natsu is jumping off of his bike and running towards the two of them. Oikawa picks her up by her waist and spins her around, she’s gets comfortable on his hip and already talking about her day before they can ask her, supportive and sweet per usual. Once Shouyou makes his way towards them they exchange greetings, but Natsu remains on Oikawa’s hip. 

 

“What are you guys doing here?” 

 

“Why? Are you embarrassed by us?” Oikawa asks playfully tickling Natsu’s stomach so she squeals and wriggles out of his grasp and hides behind Shouyou’s legs.

 

“That’s not it-,”

 

“We know its not, we asked Takeda and Ukai if we could hitch a ride with you guys so we can cheer for you, and so we can watch your sister in the stadium.” Suga pinched Oikawa’s bicep. “And Oikawa promised not to torment the team too much, so we have no worries.” To which he gave Shouyou an assured nod, as if sealing the deal. Natsu climbs back up Oikawa and he hitches her a little higher on his hip without moving his eyes from a certain spot behind him, when Shouyou tries to look over his shoulder to see what he then noticed the three of them looking at, Suga held his elbow as if that prevented him from looking.

 

“Tobio-chan seemed to have taken an interest in you, Shouyou,” Oikawa explained.

 

“Tobio-chan?” Shouyou tentatively looks over his shoulder to see Kageyama looking straight at him. They couldn’t have made eye contact for more than a second before he looked away, and started robotically helping others with their stuff. 

 

Oikawa snickered, “I think you’ve embarrassed him.”

 

“Does Tobio-chan like-like Shou?” Natsu asks aloud, which elicits immediate reactions out of the three of them. Oikawa has to put her down because he doubles over laughing so hard.

 

“You probably shouldn’t call Kageyama ‘Tobio-chan’ to his face. And I think he’s just worried about me running off, he doesn’t like me like that.” _Nobody likes you like that._

 

“Kageyama is kind of intense person as I’m sure you’ve noticed Natsu, he just likes to make sure his teammates are okay to play,” Suga ruffles the top of her head and the three of them talk some more while Shouyou drowns them out, thinking about the stare. His eyes focus on Kageyama as he helps the other students, stiffly talking to his teammates and giving one of the second years a dead stare when he tells a joke, letting the laughter between the two of them die out. The interaction in itself makes Shouyou laugh, Kageyama is just so… awkward.

 

 

Eventually they do make their way to the bus once everyone is ready to go, the third years happily chatting up a storm with Suga and cautiously introducing themselves to Oikawa. Shouyou stays relatively quiet, listening into everyone else's conversations.

 

“Don’t think that just because I want Shou to get on your team, doesn’t mean I wont cheer for mine. I will only be cheering for him, I might even boo Kageyama,” Oikawa boldly states making a few people laugh, Suga does a sort of chopping motion on his head resulting in whining and more laughter.

 

“We don’t expect you to, no worries,” Yamaguchi pauses to elbow Tsukishima in the ribs. “He might join you.” 

 

“Guilty.” Shouyou can spot Kageyama out of the corner of his eye talking to some of the first years, he looks as if he was trying to comfort one of them, lightly grasping his shoulder. Shouyou turns back over to the former conversation.

 

“Well he was certainly a pain, but I think he just needed someone to be there for him. It always felt like something was missing in our team, but I think he felt the brunt of the hollowness. He was so self-serving and egocentric, and don’t get me wrong it was well deserved, he’s an amazing well-rounded player. But he didn’t really have anyone that pushed him to be great, he just demanded the best from his teammates. I think that’s why he latched onto Shouyou so hard,” the group mutually agrees, stopping to look at Shouyou, who stiffens and pivots onto the bus. 

 

Slowly everyone follows after him, sitting in pairs, Natsu initially sat next to him, but asked Yachi if she could sit next to her. When she happily obliged, Shouyou thought he was sitting alone, which he was more than fine with, but Kageyama plopped down next to him, making himself comfortable. Shouyou blinked, but said nothing. Kageyama offered an earbud at one point, but he politely declined instead turning to the window looking at the scenery. When they did finally arrive everybody immediately filed out of the bus, stretching and then getting into a cluster so the team could enter the gym orderly. 

 

Oikawa, Suga, and Natsu went ahead so Shouyou kept close, making sure she got into her seat alright. Oikawa introduced Natsu to his old coach quickly, before the rest of the team could come in and they would have to go upstairs to watch. Some members of Aoba Johsai gathered around them, mostly third years, Shouyou could tell they wanted to catch up some more, but Karasuno was already warming up.

 

Soon everyone was fired up, some of the first years looking like they were going to jump out of their skins in excitement. Shouyou couldn’t relate.

 

…

 

The game for the most part was a blur. Shouyou was benched for most of the game, Kageyama claimed it was so he couldn’t sabotage his own chance to get on the team, but Yamaguchi assured him it was so they could test the powers of the first years, and how they worked with the rest of the starters. He knew that, but he was starting to get bored.

 

It was in the beginning of the third set that they decided to bring him in, Aoba Johsai took the first one, and Karasuno the second. Tsukishima switched places with him, and from the stands he could hear some cheering, so he waved blowing a kiss towards Natsu. In his position he shook his arms out, trying to shake the anxiety with it, but he didn’t know why he was so nervous. The thought that maybe he wanted to win did cross his mind, but he brushed it off when the whistle blew and a second year setter from the other side served the ball. 

 

It was hard to deny the overriding feeling when all of his senses were honed in and it was only him and his team. His thoughts were absent, and all he needed to do was get another point. It was a wobbly receive on Karasuno’s end, but Kageyama set the ball well and Shouyou was prepared and ready for the quick before anyone else knew it.

 

From above the net he wished he could capture everyone’s faces with Natsu’s polaroid camera, especially two of the third years’.When he landed, the thrum of his own heartbeat felt like the loudest thing in the gym, he almost couldn’t contain his smile when the gym erupted in screams and comments on how fast it was.

 

He knew. 

 

Sneaking a look at Kageyama he found him looking at Shouyou with another unrecognizable look on his face. 

 

“Once more.” It was that unwavering agreement that shook everyone back into place and into their positions in half a second.

 

 

Shouyou could be the first to admit that his endurance wasn’t as good as it was a few months ago, but he thought that the two weeks of training would be enough. 

 

Apparently it wasn’t.

 

 

They kept aiming at a first year behind him, he could hear his breathing spike every time they sent another ball his way, and he couldn’t help sympathizing. Eyeing Yamaguchi next to him, he motioned with his head, asking him to move to the side a little. To which he complied without much question, and when they served the ball to the first year again, Shouyou was able to step in, sending it right back over the net and scoring a point. But he still didn’t know how to respond to his thanks so he gave him a thumbs-up, and that was that.

 

 

He was sweating up a storm by the time they were at a deuce, his movements were getting sloppier and he felt the resentment from all the other players. Wiping his forehead with the back of his hand, he doesn’t think the other team has noticed his weakness. It has been hidden well enough, but it is probably more due to the fact that his teammates were showing more fatigue than him.

 

It went back and forth for a while, with Aoba Johsai always one point ahead before Karasuno ties it again. Soon there wasn’t much cheering much from either side nor the audience, just sheer determination on both ends. Until Shouyou started feeling confident, he looked over to Kageyama, holding eye contact with him so he knew what he wanted to do. He watched him swallow in anticipation, his Adam’s apple bob, and finally nodding with his eyes before getting into position.

 

Their quick was becoming easier to manage, but he wanted to get an easy point in so they could finish it. Everything was going perfectly, he jumped, relishing the view and spiked the ball with all of his strength. But by the time he realized his mistake he was already floating down.

 

He overshot.

 

Everything seemed to go in slow-motion, from his angle it looked like the ball hit the line, but it was the referee’s call. As he held his breath his ears’ rung from the sudden silence, but then the whistle blew announcing the end of the game, and Aoba Johsai’s win.

 

His ears continue to ring when cheers erupt through the gym, and when he feels Kageyama’s calculated gaze burn holes through his head. All he can do is run his shaking hands through his hair and accept defeat. It takes some restraint to not pull his hair out while he does this.

 

_Its all your fault. You’re the weakest link, so you don’t deserve to be on their team, or any team for that matter. You’re just going to bring them down, just like you did your last._

 

“You didn’t do that on purpose, did you?” Kageyama asks gently, too gently. Shouyou felt like he was a frightened animal, and Kageyama the hunter. He wish he could semblance

any emotion he could name, but all he could frame was despair.

 

“I miscalculated,” he got out, albeit under his breath. His eyes glazed over, not leaving the spot, even when they picked up the ball, even as they got in line and thanked the other team.

 

He couldn’t get himself to look up at Natsu as he cleaned up. The team outwardly was forgiving, but avoided him as they all did their part. Yamaguchi gave a powerful and inspiring speech, properly boosting moral, but Shouyou couldn’t get out of his own damn head.

 

…

 

Shouyou sat in his previous seat, and yet again Kageyama promptly sat down right next to him. When he asked to sit by himself, Kageyama refused, so he got up and stomped to the last seat on the bus. He dragged the eyes of the other players with him, but he was isolated now. He tried looking out the window again, but he couldn’t help seeing his reflection, so he stared at the back of the seat in front of him.

 

Suga and Yamaguchi offer to pay for dinner for the team when they arrive back to school, and almost everyone enthusiastically agrees, their previous loss nearly forgotten.

 

“What about you Shouyou? Can I buy you two dinner?” Suga hesitantly asks, Natsu nearly answers for him, but he’s quicker.

 

“No, thank you. We have to get back now-,”

 

“Stop feeling bad for yourself!” Shouyou is momentarily stunned by the volume, but the flush of anger that come afterwards is enough to fuel his fight.

 

“I am not, a deal’s a deal, so I am leaving,” despite his anger he makes sure to take Natsu’s hand gently, leading her to his bike further down the parking lot.

 

“Forget your useless pride for a second! You love volleyball, just like us, probably even more. We can all fucking see that, so fuck the bet! Just join our team because you can, because you’re good enough,” Kageyama finished, Shouyou could hear his rough breathing by the end of it, but he just keeps walking.

 

“Just because you lost the final point does mean you lost us the game,” he says quieter, and at that he spun around, eyes flicking to catch Kageyama’s with only ferocity. But it died out when all he could see was authenticity in his, everything he said in that sentence contradicted what he’s been taught the two years before. 

 

There was a fire in his lungs smothering his esophagus, not allowing him to say anything back. So he swallowed in an attempt to extinguish the flames, and he assured himself nothing would be different with this team. No matter how much he tried, how much he pushed himself, he would never be good enough.

 

“You don’t have to do everything alone,” Kageyama finished, and suddenly he was very aware of the entire team’s eyes on them.

 

“The view from the top, is a view, I have only ever seen on my own,” he swallows again, watching the setter only get more upset. “A few years ago I probably would have said something different, that the view from the top is a scenery that I will never see on my own. Or some other bullshit like that, but its different now. When you only have yourself, you don’t need anyone else.” Kageyama is still spluttering out resorts, but he’s content with what he’s said. He straightens his back, coming up to his full height and squeezes his sister’s hand, as if to say ‘I do need you.’

 

She squeezes back as they board the motorcycle ‘I need you too.'

 

“We only really have each other.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof


End file.
